i'm blogging on www.soulcast.com now. same name.
Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Christina Abernathy, Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Greenery Press, 2007. ISBN 1890159719.
Jack Rinella, Becoming a slave. Rinella Editorial Services, 2005. ISBN 0940267209.
Jack Rinella, The Complete Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant/Submissive Lifestyle. Daedelus publishing Co, 2002. ISBN 1-881943-13-5."
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
i'm blogging on www.soulcast.com now. same name.
Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Christina Abernathy, Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Greenery Press, 2007. ISBN 1890159719.
Jack Rinella, Becoming a slave. Rinella Editorial Services, 2005. ISBN 0940267209.
Jack Rinella, The Complete Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant/Submissive Lifestyle. Daedelus publishing Co, 2002. ISBN 1-881943-13-5."
Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Christina Abernathy, Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Greenery Press, 2007. ISBN 1890159719.
Jack Rinella, Becoming a slave. Rinella Editorial Services, 2005. ISBN 0940267209.
Jack Rinella, The Complete Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant/Submissive Lifestyle. Daedelus publishing Co, 2002. ISBN 1-881943-13-5."
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Blogging at a New Site
I'm gonna continue my blog at soulcast.com - it has a community of people there experiencing some of the same things I am and they provide commentary and support.
Here's the link to the new spot. And quite a few other blogs on the same topic too.
http://www.soulcast.com/madisonluvsex/
Here's the link to the new spot. And quite a few other blogs on the same topic too.
http://www.soulcast.com/madisonluvsex/
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Good News!
Hadn't gotten around to blogging yet today when my Master texted me to say we will play tonight!! YEAH!!! My pussy is tingling all ready!! I'll spend the rest of the next few hours readying myself and all his tools.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Does this mean I'm doing something right?!
I wasn't sure he was coming home last night - he spent the day with his friend - but he did come home and I was happy, I'm happy again today - and, we may have a date this weekend with a girl who might be a third for us!! YEAH!!
Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Does this mean I'm doing something right?!
I wasn't sure he was coming home last night - he spent the day with his friend - but he did come home and I was happy, I'm happy again today - and, we may have a date this weekend with a girl who might be a third for us!! YEAH!!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Defining Roles
Just read another blog http://www.soulcast.com/post/show/206583/Needing-Advice haven't read much of it but it brings up an excellent point. I tend, for one reason or another to find myself "playing" sub at various times through a regular day - during vanilla activities I like to be in the role. Not 24/7 but I just find myself slipping into it sometimes. I guess when I want my Master's attention or when I'd like to place myself at his command - in anything.
It makes me horny. God, I must be crazy. It makes me so horny to think of me being my Master's slave all the time. It makes me feel good all over. and scared to death.
But, back to the topic at hand - I don't know how my Master really feels about it. I don't know that he wants the responsibility or if it gets him off enough to practice being those people more of the time. It's exciting to think about - but it's something we need to talk about I guess. It makes me breathless to think about having him collar me in a ceremony and mark me as his own one day. I will be patient and show my Master I am worthy of being his slave.
Fuck me! I'm sick. I wonder if Master thinks so or if he likes it. He was turned on by it last week - but I screwed up and got mouthy and gave him cause to doubt my dedication to being his sub. I love to think about him being hard while he thinks of me waiting for him and wet with desire to please him. Available for him to do anything he likes with me and to me.
wow
It makes me horny. God, I must be crazy. It makes me so horny to think of me being my Master's slave all the time. It makes me feel good all over. and scared to death.
But, back to the topic at hand - I don't know how my Master really feels about it. I don't know that he wants the responsibility or if it gets him off enough to practice being those people more of the time. It's exciting to think about - but it's something we need to talk about I guess. It makes me breathless to think about having him collar me in a ceremony and mark me as his own one day. I will be patient and show my Master I am worthy of being his slave.
Fuck me! I'm sick. I wonder if Master thinks so or if he likes it. He was turned on by it last week - but I screwed up and got mouthy and gave him cause to doubt my dedication to being his sub. I love to think about him being hard while he thinks of me waiting for him and wet with desire to please him. Available for him to do anything he likes with me and to me.
wow
The Feeling (and Conquering ) of Anger
Life is very strange. I recognize the feelings and symptoms of anger. I feel like a junkie. I have to recognize my own symptoms before they take hold. That's the trick. My face goes numb and tingly - I can feel the blood in my ears. I can even make it happen by thinking about it.
That's horrifying. Anyway, my Master has decided that I need another 'me' day. On my own. It's his absence which makes me study my anger - so he's right I suppose. I'd like to be happy for more than two or three days at a time though. And remember what it is I'm fighting for.
If Master decides to give me the kind of 'me' day where I am at peace and in joy with him, that would bring me great joy. Tender loving sex would be lovely too. Those are gifts I would ask my Master for should he choose to give me a gift.
I wonder if I am really going to travel down this road to living my life as a sub. Where does the line get drawn. I don't know yet. But I despair at the thought of "allowing" my self to "allow" my husband to continue to have girlfriends on the side. I don't like it. The thought brings my anger up. So where do I draw the line?
I guess we'll see.
I just really feel like a dose of love from someone - preferably my Master :). I like fun as much and more than most people, and I believe my Master has my best interest at heart, but I'm gonna get sad if I don't get some love soon. lol. So.... the decision is made. I will wait. Be patient. I'd like a drunk on wine night with candles and romance and love. My new fantasy!!
Firelight, candles, wine, me in my collar and dressed to please my Master. Tits bound? something tight, with my pussy and ass out. mmmmmmmmmmmm..........
I'm such a pervert.
No wonder I'm desperate to keep my Master - the thought of ever letting anyone else be my Master is unthinkable. and the thought of not having a Master isn't cool either. I really really get off on it. It's pretty fucking weird.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!! Just had a thought and it's a doozy and I can and will do fucking anything for this man, my Master. Probably. Like the fantasy with L tied up and me brought in to lick her for him and her and I fucking for him. and my helping him fuck her and even possibly me showing her how to suck his cock right.
So, my thought just now was him fucking her and coming home and fucking me. and her and I being friends who both fuck my Master. Is she sub too then? She says she wants to be tied - if my Master was telling me the truth about that... and of the three of us having fun together.
I would love this fantasy even more with the someone we both liked!! I still have reservations about L. As my Master does - we'll keep hanging out and having fun hopefully and we'll either integrate her into our life or he won't choose to. or she won't choose to.
That's horrifying. Anyway, my Master has decided that I need another 'me' day. On my own. It's his absence which makes me study my anger - so he's right I suppose. I'd like to be happy for more than two or three days at a time though. And remember what it is I'm fighting for.
If Master decides to give me the kind of 'me' day where I am at peace and in joy with him, that would bring me great joy. Tender loving sex would be lovely too. Those are gifts I would ask my Master for should he choose to give me a gift.
I wonder if I am really going to travel down this road to living my life as a sub. Where does the line get drawn. I don't know yet. But I despair at the thought of "allowing" my self to "allow" my husband to continue to have girlfriends on the side. I don't like it. The thought brings my anger up. So where do I draw the line?
I guess we'll see.
I just really feel like a dose of love from someone - preferably my Master :). I like fun as much and more than most people, and I believe my Master has my best interest at heart, but I'm gonna get sad if I don't get some love soon. lol. So.... the decision is made. I will wait. Be patient. I'd like a drunk on wine night with candles and romance and love. My new fantasy!!
Firelight, candles, wine, me in my collar and dressed to please my Master. Tits bound? something tight, with my pussy and ass out. mmmmmmmmmmmm..........
I'm such a pervert.
No wonder I'm desperate to keep my Master - the thought of ever letting anyone else be my Master is unthinkable. and the thought of not having a Master isn't cool either. I really really get off on it. It's pretty fucking weird.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!! Just had a thought and it's a doozy and I can and will do fucking anything for this man, my Master. Probably. Like the fantasy with L tied up and me brought in to lick her for him and her and I fucking for him. and my helping him fuck her and even possibly me showing her how to suck his cock right.
So, my thought just now was him fucking her and coming home and fucking me. and her and I being friends who both fuck my Master. Is she sub too then? She says she wants to be tied - if my Master was telling me the truth about that... and of the three of us having fun together.
I would love this fantasy even more with the someone we both liked!! I still have reservations about L. As my Master does - we'll keep hanging out and having fun hopefully and we'll either integrate her into our life or he won't choose to. or she won't choose to.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Blog of the Day
Master read my blog last night! Poor baby!! LOL. We've had a very nice couple of days. He's not mad at me any more and we were friends - we had awesome sex last night and fooled around this morning again. MMMMMMMM............... Not sure what's gonna happen tonite - I think he might be going to his friends - he hasn't said but that's the vibe I'm gettin. Ah well, patience.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Scary Ride
I'm feeling a little more manic tonight that I want to. But I am aware of it. I'm panicing a little that He isn't home yet. But I'm ok. I'm holding it together - I have to concentrate on patience.
I wish He hadn't left me today. I really needed a day of hanging out with him - no stress. No distraction. I guess He isn't ready to spend that much time with me yet. I wish He liked me more.
Anyway - its' cool. He's a grown man and as my Master I will think only of his pleasure and be patient and steady in my goal to be His perfect sub/slave. I'm so twisted that anything He does to me - I find a way to make it make me horny.
Fuck me with your girlfriend.
and I'd like it - I want to be made to do these things. He knows I like it. I want my Master to Dominate me absolutely and make me His own.
I pray that I can be worthy of having Him as my Master. I pray that I can be the sub/slave He deserves and I pray that He will choose to mark me as his own one day.
In the mean time it is His privilege to take care of whatever business he chooses to take care of. It is my job only to be ready when he arrives.
If He wants me to be.
I wish He hadn't left me today. I really needed a day of hanging out with him - no stress. No distraction. I guess He isn't ready to spend that much time with me yet. I wish He liked me more.
Anyway - its' cool. He's a grown man and as my Master I will think only of his pleasure and be patient and steady in my goal to be His perfect sub/slave. I'm so twisted that anything He does to me - I find a way to make it make me horny.
Fuck me with your girlfriend.
and I'd like it - I want to be made to do these things. He knows I like it. I want my Master to Dominate me absolutely and make me His own.
I pray that I can be worthy of having Him as my Master. I pray that I can be the sub/slave He deserves and I pray that He will choose to mark me as his own one day.
In the mean time it is His privilege to take care of whatever business he chooses to take care of. It is my job only to be ready when he arrives.
If He wants me to be.
I'm a Sick Puppy
I am a sick puppy. Master and I were talking yesterday and we talked about him tying his friend up and blindfolding her and then bringing me in to lick her pussy and use her. She wants to be tied up apparantly and she had a fun when we made out once before. So, when he sketched this scene out to me I hid my big smile from him a little and didn't say that a thrill went through me from pussy to face. Now I keep thinking about it!!
It sounds hot!! I haven't had a long, long sex session for a long time - I'm starving here!! I need a threesome and I need hours and hours of sex.
I'm a sick pig - I wish I was ok with being a sick pig. It's all the guilt I feel for being this way that makes me act weird and be a bitch sometimes. I have to act better than I am cuz clearly I am a sick sick person!!
Oy vay!! What is wrong with me!!?? I need balance - If I can just get some wicked sex in - I'll be able to concentrate more on other important things that have to be done.
God what a sicko!!
It sounds hot!! I haven't had a long, long sex session for a long time - I'm starving here!! I need a threesome and I need hours and hours of sex.
I'm a sick pig - I wish I was ok with being a sick pig. It's all the guilt I feel for being this way that makes me act weird and be a bitch sometimes. I have to act better than I am cuz clearly I am a sick sick person!!
Oy vay!! What is wrong with me!!?? I need balance - If I can just get some wicked sex in - I'll be able to concentrate more on other important things that have to be done.
God what a sicko!!
Happy Mothers Day!
Lonely today - Master was here last night - we had a little fun. He had me again this morning - I love it when he wakes up and wants me. He had a meeting he had to go to and I didn't want him to leave me today - it's mothers day and I wanted to worship him the whole day as my present. Anyway - got dinner on - hope he won't be much longer - I'm lonely but trying to remember that his pleasure is my pleasure and he'll come back when he can. I'm hoping he'll let me give him a bath and worship his whole body till he relaxes completely.
I hope I hope I hope.
I hope I hope I hope.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Me, Myself and I.... the sub.
First, I have a question? Do other people read their own blogs regularly? I should create a quiz.
So, this is actually pretty cool. I think, right now - I feel, that practicing being a sub - and giving up control is allowing me to relax in a way I haven't been able to for quite a long time. I used to enjoy being by myself. Because I was OK with myself. I always missed my master when we were apart - but even when we were young and I was madly, newly, pationately in love with him, I enjoyed my time alone. And not only because I jacked off all the time either. I read, and cleaned, and worked and went out with friends.
Was I more fulfilled when I was young? - it seemed easier to be happy then. But ignorance is bliss and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Maybe I'd have done better a little more isolated from the world. Maybe not. Master did insulate me from much of the world actually. Fear of the world made (makes) me put on a bravado to protect myself from it.
I'm rambling, thinking while I'm typing.....
It's just that over the last weeks, since the sub thing struck me, I feel closer to being that person again. One who enjoys being on my own. It's nice to enjoy taking care of myself and I like feeling like I'm doing it for my Master as much as for myself. But the more I appreciate the time I spend on my own, the more I realize that I'm pretty ok with myself overall. I loose myself occasionally, I was pretty lost for a while there. I am very grateful to my Master for helping me back and allowing me to go on this journey and I truly have a core belief of his wisdom and worthiness. I feel I'm gaining strength by giving myself to him. My best person is routed in my love of him.
That's why I can't let him go. Ouch. Poor Master. I wish someone loved me that intensely but it must be annoying for Master sometimes. Well, often. He'd have left me long ago if I'd let him go without a fight. I hope he can love me again. sooner rather than later.
Anyway, there's one thing that worries me though. LOL - well, there's a zillion things that worry me!! One thing about our relationship. My Master (my beautiful, smart, witty, silly, sexy, marvelous husband) seems quite angry with me or at least ready to be angry with me. It makes me very sad sometimes. But, it doesn't make me feel as desperate as it once did - because I'm starting to be Ok with myself again.
Which is really fucked up when you think about it - how am I wired so that by giving up control to my husband, my Master, I can get off.
Sub-space. That's the place I have been - I just read the term in an article at http://www.seekers.org.uk/ . By far the most helpful site I've found about being a sub. The experience is a growth process. Amazingly fulfilling so far and I'm only just at the very beginning of it. It's a little bit scary - that rabbit hole is pretty darn deep so far and I can't see bottom yet. So, not a fear that will make me back away from it yet.
So, sub-space or head-space is the place I've been a few times when Master and I have played. Most intensely - one of the very first times. Arms tied to the bed head while sitting on a stool on the bed with a plug in my ass, my collar on - leashed to the bed head. He left me on my own like that while he went to buy booze. When he came back and pinched my nipples and played with my pussy, I went completely away! I remember shaking - but only realized I was when Master told me I was. Full body orgasm he called it. That was gooooood. Master was truly enjoying that - and that made it the best for me - when he is relaxed and happy, I am relaxed and happy. His pleasure is my pleasure. I love it best when he loves me. I will be patient and wait for him to be not angry with me any more. I hope he still loves me beneath the anger. But if he doesn't, and this doesn't end up working out - I feel like I'll be ok eventually. I didn't feel that way a while ago - or ever before really. But, even when I think about being on my own - he is always a part of the vision - fuck buddies, friends who become lovers again....
So, this is actually pretty cool. I think, right now - I feel, that practicing being a sub - and giving up control is allowing me to relax in a way I haven't been able to for quite a long time. I used to enjoy being by myself. Because I was OK with myself. I always missed my master when we were apart - but even when we were young and I was madly, newly, pationately in love with him, I enjoyed my time alone. And not only because I jacked off all the time either. I read, and cleaned, and worked and went out with friends.
Was I more fulfilled when I was young? - it seemed easier to be happy then. But ignorance is bliss and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Maybe I'd have done better a little more isolated from the world. Maybe not. Master did insulate me from much of the world actually. Fear of the world made (makes) me put on a bravado to protect myself from it.
I'm rambling, thinking while I'm typing.....
It's just that over the last weeks, since the sub thing struck me, I feel closer to being that person again. One who enjoys being on my own. It's nice to enjoy taking care of myself and I like feeling like I'm doing it for my Master as much as for myself. But the more I appreciate the time I spend on my own, the more I realize that I'm pretty ok with myself overall. I loose myself occasionally, I was pretty lost for a while there. I am very grateful to my Master for helping me back and allowing me to go on this journey and I truly have a core belief of his wisdom and worthiness. I feel I'm gaining strength by giving myself to him. My best person is routed in my love of him.
That's why I can't let him go. Ouch. Poor Master. I wish someone loved me that intensely but it must be annoying for Master sometimes. Well, often. He'd have left me long ago if I'd let him go without a fight. I hope he can love me again. sooner rather than later.
Anyway, there's one thing that worries me though. LOL - well, there's a zillion things that worry me!! One thing about our relationship. My Master (my beautiful, smart, witty, silly, sexy, marvelous husband) seems quite angry with me or at least ready to be angry with me. It makes me very sad sometimes. But, it doesn't make me feel as desperate as it once did - because I'm starting to be Ok with myself again.
Which is really fucked up when you think about it - how am I wired so that by giving up control to my husband, my Master, I can get off.
Sub-space. That's the place I have been - I just read the term in an article at http://www.seekers.org.uk/ . By far the most helpful site I've found about being a sub. The experience is a growth process. Amazingly fulfilling so far and I'm only just at the very beginning of it. It's a little bit scary - that rabbit hole is pretty darn deep so far and I can't see bottom yet. So, not a fear that will make me back away from it yet.
So, sub-space or head-space is the place I've been a few times when Master and I have played. Most intensely - one of the very first times. Arms tied to the bed head while sitting on a stool on the bed with a plug in my ass, my collar on - leashed to the bed head. He left me on my own like that while he went to buy booze. When he came back and pinched my nipples and played with my pussy, I went completely away! I remember shaking - but only realized I was when Master told me I was. Full body orgasm he called it. That was gooooood. Master was truly enjoying that - and that made it the best for me - when he is relaxed and happy, I am relaxed and happy. His pleasure is my pleasure. I love it best when he loves me. I will be patient and wait for him to be not angry with me any more. I hope he still loves me beneath the anger. But if he doesn't, and this doesn't end up working out - I feel like I'll be ok eventually. I didn't feel that way a while ago - or ever before really. But, even when I think about being on my own - he is always a part of the vision - fuck buddies, friends who become lovers again....
Friday, May 8, 2009
Quizzes
Took a couple quizzes today to see if I really am submissive. Master seems to doubt my dedication to it. Here's what they say about me:
You Scored as Experimental
Your Result
Perfect submissive.
You live for the praise other shower on you and you know how to earn it. When you love, you love with fathomless depth and are keenly aware of every nuiance that is pleasing to the one you love.
Usually overworked by those at around you who don't understand or take advantage of your giving nature, you take everything in stride.
Take time for yourself until you find that special someone who will scheduel in rest for you.
Your perfect lover is the Total Dominant, though the Role-Play Dominant would leave you breathless you'd need to learn when to say when.
You Scored as Experimental
(((Note: I haven't covered all aspects of BDSM in this quiz due to the length the quiz would have to be. It is sex-based because psychological profiles can be complicated and motivations for engaging in fetishes vary with couples and individuals. I have written this category as one of the alternatives because this quiz is to test inclination not a definite interest in BDSM.))) Experimentation is a great place to be. Open-mindedness when it comes to sexuality can open doors and allow you to discover things that you didn't think you would find engaging. Having such a curious attitude can help you learn more about your own sexual nature as well as the nature of others.
| Experimental | | 82% |
| Submissive | | 75% |
| Switch | | 64% |
| Bondage | | 64% |
| Exhibitionist / Voyeur | | 61% |
| Masochist | | 43% |
| Dominant | | 36% |
| Sadist | | 32% |
| Vanilla | | 18% |
| Degradation Lover | | 11% |
Ass
I can't stop thinking about licking my masters ass this morning. It's making my pussy wet and tingly. I really can't wait to try again and make him orgasm over and over before he comes into my mouth, or on my wet pussy, or on my swollen tits and he pinches my nipples. MMMMMMMMMMMm, I love when he sucks my tits. hmmmmmmmmm - I gotta get some breakfast - starving.
Every Day
Oh, I'm supposed to write every day. I didn't realize that before. So from now on, I'll be posting at least once a day.
Success or Failure? Sometimes it's hard to Tell
You know how most people are their own worst critics? Well, in my case, my worst critic is my husband and master. He really doesn't like me right now. Or, at least it FEELS like he doesn't like me right now. He's upset with me. I said a thoughtless thing and he is upset. I know when his friend has said certain thoughtless things it has pissed me off to no end. So he can take time to be mad and get over it. It's just that when he's mad at me for something, it feels like the end of the world for me. It feels like he'll never love me again.
I presented myself for punishment or any service to please him and he commanded I remove my earings. I did, then I sucked his cock to try to make him not mad at me anymore. Plus, I love sucking his cock and it makes me feel better too. I know he enjoyed it but he's still mad at me. The cool but slightly confusing part is that he let me do something I've been curious about for a while now but he never seemed open to the idea. I rubbed his ass and put my finger in it and I licked it. Not sure if I found his prostate but he seemed to enjoy it. I did - I loved feeling that he was vulnerable and open. I felt empowered. I love being able to give him a new pleasure, a new experience. But I'm not sure why he did it under those conditions?? I think that it's a good sign. A sign that he does still love me even when he's really mad at me - he still loves me underneath it. Or, he was making me do it as an act of supreme servitude. Either way it's good. Anyway, I can't wait to do it again when he's not mad at me!! I want to massage his prostate and milk it. and suck his cock as I milk the juice out of him. mmmmmmm.......... his cock was made in heaven just for me. Making my pussy wet thinking about it.
Actually, he's kind of a jerk a lot of the time - but his cock is just too good to leave! Nah, I don't know - he is a jerk - but I love him. He's under so much pressure and stress - I have to forgive him for all the asshole things he says and does. He miss judges me a lot of the time - he's completely right lots of times too though. I love him, I hope he can forgive me as I've forgiven him. I wish he wouldn't be angry with me anymore.
Ahh fuck, I was so good yesterday too! I had my "outside collar" on - the first thing he ever bought for me - cute little earings. I did as I was told, I didn't nag at him, I was patient while he took care of business, I remembered my manners - one stupid comment. I still don't know why it made him so mad!! He seems to think I did it with some purpose in mind - why on earth would I want to piss him off!!?? Even if I did want to piss him off - I wouldn't have said what I said - I couldn't have imagined that it would have made him that angry??!!
We're getting ready to leave work for the night - two cars - he has his friends car and we have ours. I will take our car home - two people at work need rides home. One person asks what he's driving and I say "he has **** car, he has to pick her up at 7" . He said "who told you that" I said "you". and that was it. He immediately sent me home and I went obediantly, understanding that it had upset him. I guess it was indiscreet, it's no ones business what he has to do. He probably feels I said it as a way of exerting some control or demonstrating to others that I "know" about his friend. That's probably true - when you get down to it - so it wasn't a submissive thing to say. It was definately over that line. But I didn't consider before I said it. That's the problem. Thoughtless. Not calculated. So, I slipped up again. and did something not submissive while wearing a symbol of my servitude. I will get better at this.
I hope my master has the patience to continue my training. When I thank him for putting up with me, he says he thinks I put up with him. So hopefully, that still stands. His anger is so scary. He's so cold and distant when he's angry. I just want to make him happy and I seem to always manage to add to his stress instead of relieving it. At least prostate massage is good for you! I'll keep developing that skill - it's supposed to be excellent for relieving stress and anxiety.
I'm sick with myself - even though I believe his reaction was a little over the top - he's entitled - I've had my share of over the top reactions. I think the comment came out because I'd spent the whole afternoon gardening (with my earings) and thinking about things - about how I never intended or wanted to hate his friend. or fight against him about her. It's a difficult situation and jealousy sucks and makes you do things and make mistakes. Anyway, I spoke of her casually like that - in part because I had decided to not be threatened by her and not take out my disapointment in his behaviour on her. I decided to try to be nicer to her and not judge her as harshly as I have been. She's young and rude but she's been a friend to him when he needed one and she's not a bad person. She tries to help - she's just sorta stupid sometimes. But, so am I. And so is my master. Sometimes. Anyway, I had sort of relaxed my way of thinking about her I guess and so my guard came down too much - too much the other way - added with the element of wanting not to appear stupid to others by letting them know I know about her and out it came. I need to worry about how my master sees me and not others.
We've been through worse than this. We've been further apart than this - not much - but at least we're being honest with each other - I just wish he would believe me when I'm being honest. He seems to read so many things into some of the things I say - things that I don't dream of when I say them. Am I such a self-centred person that I can't percieve how he will hear me ever? I want to relax and by myself and not be nervous or weird in all of this. But I feel like I have to watch my P's and Q's so much. I must learn to be more thoughtful of my masters feelings before I say things.
I'm hungry, I'm going in circles here. I'm sad, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. If he came in right now - I'd get on my knees and beg his forgiveness and beg him to punish me any way he likes.
When he does come home, I will get down on my knees and beg him to punish me so that I can earn his forgivness for my thoughtless remark. I will take any pushishment he feels I deserve without complaint. I deserve it and, because he loves me, he will punish me and allow me to earn his tender touch again.
I'm sooo scared he won't love me anymore. Please God, let him forgive me and love me again and come back to me and be my friend again.
I presented myself for punishment or any service to please him and he commanded I remove my earings. I did, then I sucked his cock to try to make him not mad at me anymore. Plus, I love sucking his cock and it makes me feel better too. I know he enjoyed it but he's still mad at me. The cool but slightly confusing part is that he let me do something I've been curious about for a while now but he never seemed open to the idea. I rubbed his ass and put my finger in it and I licked it. Not sure if I found his prostate but he seemed to enjoy it. I did - I loved feeling that he was vulnerable and open. I felt empowered. I love being able to give him a new pleasure, a new experience. But I'm not sure why he did it under those conditions?? I think that it's a good sign. A sign that he does still love me even when he's really mad at me - he still loves me underneath it. Or, he was making me do it as an act of supreme servitude. Either way it's good. Anyway, I can't wait to do it again when he's not mad at me!! I want to massage his prostate and milk it. and suck his cock as I milk the juice out of him. mmmmmmm.......... his cock was made in heaven just for me. Making my pussy wet thinking about it.
Actually, he's kind of a jerk a lot of the time - but his cock is just too good to leave! Nah, I don't know - he is a jerk - but I love him. He's under so much pressure and stress - I have to forgive him for all the asshole things he says and does. He miss judges me a lot of the time - he's completely right lots of times too though. I love him, I hope he can forgive me as I've forgiven him. I wish he wouldn't be angry with me anymore.
Ahh fuck, I was so good yesterday too! I had my "outside collar" on - the first thing he ever bought for me - cute little earings. I did as I was told, I didn't nag at him, I was patient while he took care of business, I remembered my manners - one stupid comment. I still don't know why it made him so mad!! He seems to think I did it with some purpose in mind - why on earth would I want to piss him off!!?? Even if I did want to piss him off - I wouldn't have said what I said - I couldn't have imagined that it would have made him that angry??!!
We're getting ready to leave work for the night - two cars - he has his friends car and we have ours. I will take our car home - two people at work need rides home. One person asks what he's driving and I say "he has **** car, he has to pick her up at 7" . He said "who told you that" I said "you". and that was it. He immediately sent me home and I went obediantly, understanding that it had upset him. I guess it was indiscreet, it's no ones business what he has to do. He probably feels I said it as a way of exerting some control or demonstrating to others that I "know" about his friend. That's probably true - when you get down to it - so it wasn't a submissive thing to say. It was definately over that line. But I didn't consider before I said it. That's the problem. Thoughtless. Not calculated. So, I slipped up again. and did something not submissive while wearing a symbol of my servitude. I will get better at this.
I hope my master has the patience to continue my training. When I thank him for putting up with me, he says he thinks I put up with him. So hopefully, that still stands. His anger is so scary. He's so cold and distant when he's angry. I just want to make him happy and I seem to always manage to add to his stress instead of relieving it. At least prostate massage is good for you! I'll keep developing that skill - it's supposed to be excellent for relieving stress and anxiety.
I'm sick with myself - even though I believe his reaction was a little over the top - he's entitled - I've had my share of over the top reactions. I think the comment came out because I'd spent the whole afternoon gardening (with my earings) and thinking about things - about how I never intended or wanted to hate his friend. or fight against him about her. It's a difficult situation and jealousy sucks and makes you do things and make mistakes. Anyway, I spoke of her casually like that - in part because I had decided to not be threatened by her and not take out my disapointment in his behaviour on her. I decided to try to be nicer to her and not judge her as harshly as I have been. She's young and rude but she's been a friend to him when he needed one and she's not a bad person. She tries to help - she's just sorta stupid sometimes. But, so am I. And so is my master. Sometimes. Anyway, I had sort of relaxed my way of thinking about her I guess and so my guard came down too much - too much the other way - added with the element of wanting not to appear stupid to others by letting them know I know about her and out it came. I need to worry about how my master sees me and not others.
We've been through worse than this. We've been further apart than this - not much - but at least we're being honest with each other - I just wish he would believe me when I'm being honest. He seems to read so many things into some of the things I say - things that I don't dream of when I say them. Am I such a self-centred person that I can't percieve how he will hear me ever? I want to relax and by myself and not be nervous or weird in all of this. But I feel like I have to watch my P's and Q's so much. I must learn to be more thoughtful of my masters feelings before I say things.
I'm hungry, I'm going in circles here. I'm sad, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. If he came in right now - I'd get on my knees and beg his forgiveness and beg him to punish me any way he likes.
When he does come home, I will get down on my knees and beg him to punish me so that I can earn his forgivness for my thoughtless remark. I will take any pushishment he feels I deserve without complaint. I deserve it and, because he loves me, he will punish me and allow me to earn his tender touch again.
I'm sooo scared he won't love me anymore. Please God, let him forgive me and love me again and come back to me and be my friend again.
Again with the Feelings!
I had to repost this here - I accidently put it in the wrong thread.
For some reason that I only occasionally (ok, a little bit more than occasionally) understand, we have a difficult time communicating. We just seem to rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time. Too much history.
I have to much angst I guess - I agree some of the time, but I also believe that my master has his own brand of inner anger toward me and he won't admit it. He has enabled me and continues to enable me to see myself truly and admit to the anger and resentment and irritations that I have been allowing to accumulate within me. I have been an angry person. I tend toward it. I do not like it.
I can be a little high maitenance! For god's sake look at me! LOL. I want to be able to drop stronge loving hints of how my lover might please me or how we may be able to have some fun together. And I kinda feel like this could be so much easier if my master would take a little better care of me. OUCH! I'm gonna get punished for that one! No, he loves me, I know he does. I can't imagine why he'd still be around if he didn't quit honestly! I know it's because I love him to the core that I'm still around too. We're both still around. That's nice, its' because we both care.
I feel so ready to work and achieve and build and laugh and love. I've been so low lately. I have felt and continue to often feel, very, very lonely.
I am manic depressive or depressed or something. The vitamins help and I really want to be happy, I am happy now. I feel happier than I have in a long long time. I hope I can do a better job of making my master feel the same way. He has been happy with me in the past - many many times. I so badly want to feel his love. His tender love. and then I want him to spank me and pinch my nipples!
So......, I guess in the mean time - till he learns to trust me again to be the person that he can be happy with as partners and lovers and friends; I settle for the really hot sex. But I will always have an ulterior motive. I want to keep my husband and my family together at all costs really. Plus, I just love him. and the sex is REALLY REALLY good.
K, no more wallowing or "overthinking" - moving on to good sex. Master awaits me in the hot tub (at least I hope he awaits me) I don't think he'll kick me out. :P
M
For some reason that I only occasionally (ok, a little bit more than occasionally) understand, we have a difficult time communicating. We just seem to rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time. Too much history.
I have to much angst I guess - I agree some of the time, but I also believe that my master has his own brand of inner anger toward me and he won't admit it. He has enabled me and continues to enable me to see myself truly and admit to the anger and resentment and irritations that I have been allowing to accumulate within me. I have been an angry person. I tend toward it. I do not like it.
I can be a little high maitenance! For god's sake look at me! LOL. I want to be able to drop stronge loving hints of how my lover might please me or how we may be able to have some fun together. And I kinda feel like this could be so much easier if my master would take a little better care of me. OUCH! I'm gonna get punished for that one! No, he loves me, I know he does. I can't imagine why he'd still be around if he didn't quit honestly! I know it's because I love him to the core that I'm still around too. We're both still around. That's nice, its' because we both care.
I feel so ready to work and achieve and build and laugh and love. I've been so low lately. I have felt and continue to often feel, very, very lonely.
I am manic depressive or depressed or something. The vitamins help and I really want to be happy, I am happy now. I feel happier than I have in a long long time. I hope I can do a better job of making my master feel the same way. He has been happy with me in the past - many many times. I so badly want to feel his love. His tender love. and then I want him to spank me and pinch my nipples!
So......, I guess in the mean time - till he learns to trust me again to be the person that he can be happy with as partners and lovers and friends; I settle for the really hot sex. But I will always have an ulterior motive. I want to keep my husband and my family together at all costs really. Plus, I just love him. and the sex is REALLY REALLY good.
K, no more wallowing or "overthinking" - moving on to good sex. Master awaits me in the hot tub (at least I hope he awaits me) I don't think he'll kick me out. :P
M
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Being a Good Wife to a Good Husband
I feel right now like I have to prove myself trustworthy. My master / husband felt quite betrayed by my dereliction of duty in our business - I was depressed and could have done with some support - but he was under a great deal of stress himself and not really in a position to offer it I guess. I was in my own dark world anyway.
So, he said to me a little while ago when we were discussing/arguing about pig whore - that I need to worry about myself. It's true. I need to consentrate on being the best person I can be regardless of my circumstances and outside conditions or other people.
I am a good person, I am happiest at home, taking care of my home and my family. I need to deal with the bullshit that is life and still be that happy, good person. I love my husband. I love my master - I want to be his worthy slave for life. I will be patient and kind and understanding and supportive of him to get our shit together whether his behaviour makes my happy or not.
I will be a queen to his king. I will always be there for him whatever other choices I make.
For a little while I was thinking that maybe I was fooling myself with this sub thing. Maybe I'm not really a sub at heart but I might only be in it for the control any good slave has over her master - he desires her - he requires her.
But it's more than that, I'm fairly certain. I feel my greatest ease when I am doing as he wishes - even, strangely when it's not what I necessarily want for myself. But, for the most part, if I listen well to what he says and try to do as he says, I feel better. I have to be patient though so he has time to see that a change is in the making. I have been a quick to anger, reactive person. I have allowed myself to react to things when I need to consider them calmly to make good choices. So, I am a sub - I desire for him to be my master. I think he likes being my master but he won't become trapped by it. I have to recongize that his pleasure in being my master comes as much from the real life part of it as the play part of it. And I have to grow in the pleasure that comes from pleasing him.
Cool.
So, he said to me a little while ago when we were discussing/arguing about pig whore - that I need to worry about myself. It's true. I need to consentrate on being the best person I can be regardless of my circumstances and outside conditions or other people.
I am a good person, I am happiest at home, taking care of my home and my family. I need to deal with the bullshit that is life and still be that happy, good person. I love my husband. I love my master - I want to be his worthy slave for life. I will be patient and kind and understanding and supportive of him to get our shit together whether his behaviour makes my happy or not.
I will be a queen to his king. I will always be there for him whatever other choices I make.
For a little while I was thinking that maybe I was fooling myself with this sub thing. Maybe I'm not really a sub at heart but I might only be in it for the control any good slave has over her master - he desires her - he requires her.
But it's more than that, I'm fairly certain. I feel my greatest ease when I am doing as he wishes - even, strangely when it's not what I necessarily want for myself. But, for the most part, if I listen well to what he says and try to do as he says, I feel better. I have to be patient though so he has time to see that a change is in the making. I have been a quick to anger, reactive person. I have allowed myself to react to things when I need to consider them calmly to make good choices. So, I am a sub - I desire for him to be my master. I think he likes being my master but he won't become trapped by it. I have to recongize that his pleasure in being my master comes as much from the real life part of it as the play part of it. And I have to grow in the pleasure that comes from pleasing him.
Cool.
Monday, May 4, 2009
An Empty House
I just love having an empty house! It has so much potential for endless fun and games - and you can moan and scream as loudly as you like. So, we had an empty house - but unfortunately, master had to go see pig whore (as I affectionately like to call her) so he was later than I would've liked - but he did get home and we did have lots of fun. The time he was away gave me lots of time to prepare the room - all the toys, ropes, paddles and a chair for tieing if he wished it.
I also have a new mask for web cam. He used me well and I kept quiet (at least I wasn't mouthy!!) and I only wish we could've gone on much longer - as it was we went to bed after 4 or 5 am I think - but I can never get enough when we play like we did!
Didn't get to use the chair. Oh well!
Since then - another disappointing night where he ended up having to go rescue pig whore cause she was stupid drunk and sick on top. Pisses me off - him going to her rescue. What can I do - he's "a nice guy" I guess - wouldn't leave her to her crappy friends cause he knows they wouldn't look after her.
Anyway, another revelation I think - about my feelings and my anger - I think, in my house growing up, that the angriest person won! I mean - I don't remember any conversations where people sat down and discussed issues and then made desicions based on anything. I remember lots of fights where whoever was the angriest basically got their own way - then lots of guilty rewards for those of us who had to watch it all go down.
Bad habits, bad signals - so - I have to get angry when angry is appropriate but not use that anger to try to win points or get my way because I have a right to be angry. I can be angry and not be mean and petty. I can be upset but not take it out on everyone around me. I can be unhappy with a situation and simply let the person or persons know I'm unhappy and move on. Master is not stupid - if I'm unhappy - he doesn't need me to continue to grind it home that I'm unhappy. He knows what makes me unhappy and he knows I want him to BE happy. So, we'll just see where that brings us I suppose.
Hoping to play tonight - we'll see. More later.
I also have a new mask for web cam. He used me well and I kept quiet (at least I wasn't mouthy!!) and I only wish we could've gone on much longer - as it was we went to bed after 4 or 5 am I think - but I can never get enough when we play like we did!
Didn't get to use the chair. Oh well!
Since then - another disappointing night where he ended up having to go rescue pig whore cause she was stupid drunk and sick on top. Pisses me off - him going to her rescue. What can I do - he's "a nice guy" I guess - wouldn't leave her to her crappy friends cause he knows they wouldn't look after her.
Anyway, another revelation I think - about my feelings and my anger - I think, in my house growing up, that the angriest person won! I mean - I don't remember any conversations where people sat down and discussed issues and then made desicions based on anything. I remember lots of fights where whoever was the angriest basically got their own way - then lots of guilty rewards for those of us who had to watch it all go down.
Bad habits, bad signals - so - I have to get angry when angry is appropriate but not use that anger to try to win points or get my way because I have a right to be angry. I can be angry and not be mean and petty. I can be upset but not take it out on everyone around me. I can be unhappy with a situation and simply let the person or persons know I'm unhappy and move on. Master is not stupid - if I'm unhappy - he doesn't need me to continue to grind it home that I'm unhappy. He knows what makes me unhappy and he knows I want him to BE happy. So, we'll just see where that brings us I suppose.
Hoping to play tonight - we'll see. More later.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Wow, what a trip this is. Feelings. Today. are....... conflicting. Mostly ok. I freaked out a little. Didn't think master was coming home again. He is though. I gotta get a handle on this. But so much depends on him. He does love me - or he would certainly be gone already.
Whewwwwww! I hate those episodes! At least it didn't last long - but only cause I spoke with my master - that's all that kept it together for me. I need to be able to do that on my own. Maybe I would have - maybe not. I was getting ready to start walking. That would have been bad.
I want to be completely honest and true. With myself first - and then with my master - only because I lie to myself first and then perpetrate it to him. So I must establish the truth first. My goal is to become the kind of person who says true things automatically. I mean this pretty much exclusively with regard to my own feelings about things. Otherwise, I am a truthful person. I will write all my true feelings here - this is my confession!
Well, I lie about things I do in reaction to bad feelings because I'm ashamed of myself. So if I can stop having those kinds of feelings then I won't feel the compulsion to lie about things I do because I won't do things I'm ashamed of.
I just read this again. It's hard to read - but I think I've been honest. I feel a little raw - like I've been exposed - the same feeling I get when Master is here and we talk and he helps me realize truths in myself. Hard but good.
God. I may be more sub than I have admitted to myself. Remember - "How deep does the rabbit hole go?"
Pride and Shame - two powerful cages.
Whewwwwww! I hate those episodes! At least it didn't last long - but only cause I spoke with my master - that's all that kept it together for me. I need to be able to do that on my own. Maybe I would have - maybe not. I was getting ready to start walking. That would have been bad.
I want to be completely honest and true. With myself first - and then with my master - only because I lie to myself first and then perpetrate it to him. So I must establish the truth first. My goal is to become the kind of person who says true things automatically. I mean this pretty much exclusively with regard to my own feelings about things. Otherwise, I am a truthful person. I will write all my true feelings here - this is my confession!
Well, I lie about things I do in reaction to bad feelings because I'm ashamed of myself. So if I can stop having those kinds of feelings then I won't feel the compulsion to lie about things I do because I won't do things I'm ashamed of.
I just read this again. It's hard to read - but I think I've been honest. I feel a little raw - like I've been exposed - the same feeling I get when Master is here and we talk and he helps me realize truths in myself. Hard but good.
God. I may be more sub than I have admitted to myself. Remember - "How deep does the rabbit hole go?"
Pride and Shame - two powerful cages.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
OK, so....
Through the process of discovering that I was interested in exploring my submissive side we've been under a crazy number of different and urgent concerns. I've experienced a fairly serious depression ( I believe) and I am feeling better now but every time I begin to feel hope that we are both starting to change our habits we've developed under those stresses, I am disappointed again.
I truly feel really really frightened for my master (aka husband). He is pulled in so many directions and, allowing himself to be spread too thin and feeling more stress because he is not doing many of them particularly well. I'm completely guilty of doing exactly the same thing. I'm trying to do better and focus more. He's actually made himself sick now and he NEVER get's sick.
Anyway, I want to show faith in my master, (aka husband) and wanted to encourage him to be the man I know he is by allowing him be the master - in real life as a senior partner and as my beautiful, loving Dominating Master at home. I get really excited by the idea of giving myself entirely over to him. The rope makes me wet! Having him control me and do anything he wants to me is incredible. I WANT so badly to trust and have faith in him - because it's fuckin hot! and I want so BADLY for him to know that he is worthy of the trust and faith I want to have in him.
So, I feel badly for my master - I hate seeing him like this. I love him so much and I'm trying to be the best wife and friend and lover I can be in a supportive and realistic way. I hate not being able to trust my master to do what he says and be honest with me.
That's enough for now - but maybe this blogging thing isn't so bad afterall. My Master's orders are good for me - when I listen to him and do as he says more faithfully, I feel better. I know he loves me - he takes so much trouble to tell me how to behave.
I hope that when my Master reads this, that he can understand that I love him truly and trust him implicitly, that's why it's so difficult for me to be in situations where he doesn't follow through on things.
K, that really is enough for now! Master would say - "You're overthinking - calm down."
All I can do right now, is wait to see what happens tonight and tomorrow. (many things that MUST be done!)
Through the process of discovering that I was interested in exploring my submissive side we've been under a crazy number of different and urgent concerns. I've experienced a fairly serious depression ( I believe) and I am feeling better now but every time I begin to feel hope that we are both starting to change our habits we've developed under those stresses, I am disappointed again.
I truly feel really really frightened for my master (aka husband). He is pulled in so many directions and, allowing himself to be spread too thin and feeling more stress because he is not doing many of them particularly well. I'm completely guilty of doing exactly the same thing. I'm trying to do better and focus more. He's actually made himself sick now and he NEVER get's sick.
Anyway, I want to show faith in my master, (aka husband) and wanted to encourage him to be the man I know he is by allowing him be the master - in real life as a senior partner and as my beautiful, loving Dominating Master at home. I get really excited by the idea of giving myself entirely over to him. The rope makes me wet! Having him control me and do anything he wants to me is incredible. I WANT so badly to trust and have faith in him - because it's fuckin hot! and I want so BADLY for him to know that he is worthy of the trust and faith I want to have in him.
So, I feel badly for my master - I hate seeing him like this. I love him so much and I'm trying to be the best wife and friend and lover I can be in a supportive and realistic way. I hate not being able to trust my master to do what he says and be honest with me.
That's enough for now - but maybe this blogging thing isn't so bad afterall. My Master's orders are good for me - when I listen to him and do as he says more faithfully, I feel better. I know he loves me - he takes so much trouble to tell me how to behave.
I hope that when my Master reads this, that he can understand that I love him truly and trust him implicitly, that's why it's so difficult for me to be in situations where he doesn't follow through on things.
K, that really is enough for now! Master would say - "You're overthinking - calm down."
All I can do right now, is wait to see what happens tonight and tomorrow. (many things that MUST be done!)
Feelings Today
Well, my feelings today are bad. My "master" chose not to come home last night. Am I being punished still? Shouldn't I know if I am?
He is with a person I do not like and do not trust. A person who wishes him to leave me for her. A dishonest, cold hearted, nasty whore of a person who he says he is not seeing.
So where does that leave me. With anger, sadness, hurt, incredible pain and sorrow at another betrayal. The same betrayal. What do I do about it? I don't know - carry on, clean the house, do the gardening, stay calm. That's best for me - stay calm. I have to cleanse myself of the anger. He calls her Skinny Bitch - I think I'll call her - skanky whore pig. Skinny bitch he calls her. She is a - self-centered, rude, disrespectful, indifferent, careless whore pig.
He said he was up all night fighting (with her I assume). Why would he choose to do that instead of coming home to me? Why is he spending the day with her still - if that's true.
I am concerned about him - how he's feeling. I don't understand why he continues to see her and fight all night and then spend the day with her too!! He fights with her and she gets rewarded. He fights with her and I get punished.
I'll wait and see what he has to say when he gets in later.
I'm going to have a bath and relax. Meditate - get rid of the anger and try to imagine how he is feeling right now. Forget about how I'm feeling- I can always get the anger back - that's easy. Think about how he might be feeling and wait to see what he says.
He is with a person I do not like and do not trust. A person who wishes him to leave me for her. A dishonest, cold hearted, nasty whore of a person who he says he is not seeing.
So where does that leave me. With anger, sadness, hurt, incredible pain and sorrow at another betrayal. The same betrayal. What do I do about it? I don't know - carry on, clean the house, do the gardening, stay calm. That's best for me - stay calm. I have to cleanse myself of the anger. He calls her Skinny Bitch - I think I'll call her - skanky whore pig. Skinny bitch he calls her. She is a - self-centered, rude, disrespectful, indifferent, careless whore pig.
He said he was up all night fighting (with her I assume). Why would he choose to do that instead of coming home to me? Why is he spending the day with her still - if that's true.
I am concerned about him - how he's feeling. I don't understand why he continues to see her and fight all night and then spend the day with her too!! He fights with her and she gets rewarded. He fights with her and I get punished.
I'll wait and see what he has to say when he gets in later.
I'm going to have a bath and relax. Meditate - get rid of the anger and try to imagine how he is feeling right now. Forget about how I'm feeling- I can always get the anger back - that's easy. Think about how he might be feeling and wait to see what he says.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
New Restraints
For some reason it seems difficutl for me to actually talk about my feelings here instead of just recounting experiences - I have to try to focus on that.....
So my master gifted me with four new rings to tie me to. Legs spread, arms apart - standing. I like the feeling of the ropes when he ties them around my wrists and ankles - the thought of being restrained seems to turn me on - which is weird cause I used to be claustrophobic when anyone restrained my arms! I can't explain it.
He used me very very well - and he gave me permission to cum - so I did, many times. It was really nice and there was a moment where I felt very connected to my master in a way I haven't for a while because of other stresses going on in our lives.
I think he enjoyed it, I think he likes using me and stuffing me and making me squirt - he let me suck his cock too - I know he enjoys that! But I feel a little guilty - like I'm enjoying it too much and him not enough maybe?? My job as his slave is to see to his pleasure at all times - I love to make him feel good - I love to hear him moan in pleasure - I need to do more to make him happy.
He's discovered that maybe I could be going through some manic depressive tendancies - again - lots of stress lately - I love that he's taking care of me and looking out for me - but I feel like I'm falling short of my goal to please him because I'm the one getting the care here. He's under all the same stress I am - in some ways - even more - so how can I best take care of him???
I suppose by doing that which is sometimes the most difficult for me! Leave him alone and let him be...... this is a little troubling because too much "letting him be" can lead to him feeling not cared for! How do I find the happy medium - so I'm looking after his pleasure so that he feels I am taking care of him and not either being overbearingly motherly to him - or overbearingly sexual or neglectful through trying to give him his space???????
I love him. He loves me. I have to have faith in that and stay stable and real. This is a challenge for me. Is this the mania and/or depression? or is this normal? What's normal? Wow - thinking in circles a little - like my master says - I over think somethings sometimes - just keep talking to him honestly - keep paying attention to everything and take it one day at a time.
Today, even though some stressful things happened - my master and I were together on them and dealing with them and I feel happy. I hope that he is too. I think so. One day at a time.
So my master gifted me with four new rings to tie me to. Legs spread, arms apart - standing. I like the feeling of the ropes when he ties them around my wrists and ankles - the thought of being restrained seems to turn me on - which is weird cause I used to be claustrophobic when anyone restrained my arms! I can't explain it.
He used me very very well - and he gave me permission to cum - so I did, many times. It was really nice and there was a moment where I felt very connected to my master in a way I haven't for a while because of other stresses going on in our lives.
I think he enjoyed it, I think he likes using me and stuffing me and making me squirt - he let me suck his cock too - I know he enjoys that! But I feel a little guilty - like I'm enjoying it too much and him not enough maybe?? My job as his slave is to see to his pleasure at all times - I love to make him feel good - I love to hear him moan in pleasure - I need to do more to make him happy.
He's discovered that maybe I could be going through some manic depressive tendancies - again - lots of stress lately - I love that he's taking care of me and looking out for me - but I feel like I'm falling short of my goal to please him because I'm the one getting the care here. He's under all the same stress I am - in some ways - even more - so how can I best take care of him???
I suppose by doing that which is sometimes the most difficult for me! Leave him alone and let him be...... this is a little troubling because too much "letting him be" can lead to him feeling not cared for! How do I find the happy medium - so I'm looking after his pleasure so that he feels I am taking care of him and not either being overbearingly motherly to him - or overbearingly sexual or neglectful through trying to give him his space???????
I love him. He loves me. I have to have faith in that and stay stable and real. This is a challenge for me. Is this the mania and/or depression? or is this normal? What's normal? Wow - thinking in circles a little - like my master says - I over think somethings sometimes - just keep talking to him honestly - keep paying attention to everything and take it one day at a time.
Today, even though some stressful things happened - my master and I were together on them and dealing with them and I feel happy. I hope that he is too. I think so. One day at a time.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Not a Great Night in Slave Land
Well, my master put my collar on - and I was to be punished for some naughty behaviour - that's fine - but ouch! It was a little more than I bargained for and I needed a break at one point. Got started again - and then - I forget why, I got angry for something. Wouldn't shut up and had my collar revoked!! OH NOOOOO!!
I remember why I got angry, cause master taped my a while back without my knowing and I lied about it afterwards I guess. But I didn't like being caught and I didn't like being taped without knowing so I let my temper get outta hand and I got mouthy. :(
Well, we talked a little and I got my collar back and we carried on. Good sex, master came, I came (with permission) and alls well that ends - but overall - I'm disappointed with my performance. I have to keep my temper - that's the whole point of this (well, almost the whole point! :) :P )
Feeling ok today - glad the lies are out and I can start fresh - no more lies! Feel like master is looking out for me cause he cares enough to punish me and force the truth out of me. He's trying to help me because he loves me and I hope I can improve and be a better sub for him.
Hope we can play again tonight - will post more if we do.
I remember why I got angry, cause master taped my a while back without my knowing and I lied about it afterwards I guess. But I didn't like being caught and I didn't like being taped without knowing so I let my temper get outta hand and I got mouthy. :(
Well, we talked a little and I got my collar back and we carried on. Good sex, master came, I came (with permission) and alls well that ends - but overall - I'm disappointed with my performance. I have to keep my temper - that's the whole point of this (well, almost the whole point! :) :P )
Feeling ok today - glad the lies are out and I can start fresh - no more lies! Feel like master is looking out for me cause he cares enough to punish me and force the truth out of me. He's trying to help me because he loves me and I hope I can improve and be a better sub for him.
Hope we can play again tonight - will post more if we do.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
First Entry
Well, I'm not sure if I'm very good a blogging yet but my goal is to explore my thoughts and feelings as I try to become an ideal sub for my master, who in my case, is also my husband.
I think, being married for nearly 20 years, I have a lot of reactions to my husband that will have to be unlearned as he becomes my master. I first considered that I wanted to be submissive to my husband because we were going through a rough patch and my tendency over the years has been to become more assertive and aggressive in our relationship - which is ok in someways - you have to stand up for yourself - but it doesn't help advance our relationship, so I want to reverse that and learn to give up control.
My first experience as a sub - when I realized I was turned on by the thought of being dominated - was sitting on a stool on the bed - tied to the bed and made to site on an anal plug. It was amazingly erotic - the plug was quite big and I didn't think I could stand to have it in for long at all - but because I was tied and my master wanted me to take it - I concentrated on relaxing and enjoying the sensations I was experiencing. I don't know how long I remained like that - I remember he left me and went to get some drink at the store, but after he came back I ended up having an orgasm that he called a whole body orgasm! The feelings are hard to describe but it was all good.
I have some concerns - he has never been a Dom before - so I know that he has as much to learn as I do - but I trust that he will do this like he does everything - in a considered and deliberate way. He doesn't do anything without a lot of research till he knows the subject inside out, so it's my job to just do my job - I give up control and trust him to do what's best for me.
Every time I think of giving up that control and relying on him to do whatever he feels to me and with me - I get a rush of adrenaline and my pussy tingles.
So, I guess we'll see where this all goes.
I think, being married for nearly 20 years, I have a lot of reactions to my husband that will have to be unlearned as he becomes my master. I first considered that I wanted to be submissive to my husband because we were going through a rough patch and my tendency over the years has been to become more assertive and aggressive in our relationship - which is ok in someways - you have to stand up for yourself - but it doesn't help advance our relationship, so I want to reverse that and learn to give up control.
My first experience as a sub - when I realized I was turned on by the thought of being dominated - was sitting on a stool on the bed - tied to the bed and made to site on an anal plug. It was amazingly erotic - the plug was quite big and I didn't think I could stand to have it in for long at all - but because I was tied and my master wanted me to take it - I concentrated on relaxing and enjoying the sensations I was experiencing. I don't know how long I remained like that - I remember he left me and went to get some drink at the store, but after he came back I ended up having an orgasm that he called a whole body orgasm! The feelings are hard to describe but it was all good.
I have some concerns - he has never been a Dom before - so I know that he has as much to learn as I do - but I trust that he will do this like he does everything - in a considered and deliberate way. He doesn't do anything without a lot of research till he knows the subject inside out, so it's my job to just do my job - I give up control and trust him to do what's best for me.
Every time I think of giving up that control and relying on him to do whatever he feels to me and with me - I get a rush of adrenaline and my pussy tingles.
So, I guess we'll see where this all goes.
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