Me, Myself and I.... the sub.

First, I have a question? Do other people read their own blogs regularly? I should create a quiz.

So, this is actually pretty cool. I think, right now - I feel, that practicing being a sub - and giving up control is allowing me to relax in a way I haven't been able to for quite a long time. I used to enjoy being by myself. Because I was OK with myself. I always missed my master when we were apart - but even when we were young and I was madly, newly, pationately in love with him, I enjoyed my time alone. And not only because I jacked off all the time either. I read, and cleaned, and worked and went out with friends.

Was I more fulfilled when I was young? - it seemed easier to be happy then. But ignorance is bliss and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Maybe I'd have done better a little more isolated from the world. Maybe not. Master did insulate me from much of the world actually. Fear of the world made (makes) me put on a bravado to protect myself from it.

I'm rambling, thinking while I'm typing.....

It's just that over the last weeks, since the sub thing struck me, I feel closer to being that person again. One who enjoys being on my own. It's nice to enjoy taking care of myself and I like feeling like I'm doing it for my Master as much as for myself. But the more I appreciate the time I spend on my own, the more I realize that I'm pretty ok with myself overall. I loose myself occasionally, I was pretty lost for a while there. I am very grateful to my Master for helping me back and allowing me to go on this journey and I truly have a core belief of his wisdom and worthiness. I feel I'm gaining strength by giving myself to him. My best person is routed in my love of him.

That's why I can't let him go. Ouch. Poor Master. I wish someone loved me that intensely but it must be annoying for Master sometimes. Well, often. He'd have left me long ago if I'd let him go without a fight. I hope he can love me again. sooner rather than later.

Anyway, there's one thing that worries me though. LOL - well, there's a zillion things that worry me!! One thing about our relationship. My Master (my beautiful, smart, witty, silly, sexy, marvelous husband) seems quite angry with me or at least ready to be angry with me. It makes me very sad sometimes. But, it doesn't make me feel as desperate as it once did - because I'm starting to be Ok with myself again.

Which is really fucked up when you think about it - how am I wired so that by giving up control to my husband, my Master, I can get off.

Sub-space. That's the place I have been - I just read the term in an article at http://www.seekers.org.uk/ . By far the most helpful site I've found about being a sub. The experience is a growth process. Amazingly fulfilling so far and I'm only just at the very beginning of it. It's a little bit scary - that rabbit hole is pretty darn deep so far and I can't see bottom yet. So, not a fear that will make me back away from it yet.

So, sub-space or head-space is the place I've been a few times when Master and I have played. Most intensely - one of the very first times. Arms tied to the bed head while sitting on a stool on the bed with a plug in my ass, my collar on - leashed to the bed head. He left me on my own like that while he went to buy booze. When he came back and pinched my nipples and played with my pussy, I went completely away! I remember shaking - but only realized I was when Master told me I was. Full body orgasm he called it. That was gooooood. Master was truly enjoying that - and that made it the best for me - when he is relaxed and happy, I am relaxed and happy. His pleasure is my pleasure. I love it best when he loves me. I will be patient and wait for him to be not angry with me any more. I hope he still loves me beneath the anger. But if he doesn't, and this doesn't end up working out - I feel like I'll be ok eventually. I didn't feel that way a while ago - or ever before really. But, even when I think about being on my own - he is always a part of the vision - fuck buddies, friends who become lovers again....