Success or Failure? Sometimes it's hard to Tell

You know how most people are their own worst critics? Well, in my case, my worst critic is my husband and master. He really doesn't like me right now. Or, at least it FEELS like he doesn't like me right now. He's upset with me. I said a thoughtless thing and he is upset. I know when his friend has said certain thoughtless things it has pissed me off to no end. So he can take time to be mad and get over it. It's just that when he's mad at me for something, it feels like the end of the world for me. It feels like he'll never love me again.

I presented myself for punishment or any service to please him and he commanded I remove my earings. I did, then I sucked his cock to try to make him not mad at me anymore. Plus, I love sucking his cock and it makes me feel better too. I know he enjoyed it but he's still mad at me. The cool but slightly confusing part is that he let me do something I've been curious about for a while now but he never seemed open to the idea. I rubbed his ass and put my finger in it and I licked it. Not sure if I found his prostate but he seemed to enjoy it. I did - I loved feeling that he was vulnerable and open. I felt empowered. I love being able to give him a new pleasure, a new experience. But I'm not sure why he did it under those conditions?? I think that it's a good sign. A sign that he does still love me even when he's really mad at me - he still loves me underneath it. Or, he was making me do it as an act of supreme servitude. Either way it's good. Anyway, I can't wait to do it again when he's not mad at me!! I want to massage his prostate and milk it. and suck his cock as I milk the juice out of him. mmmmmmm.......... his cock was made in heaven just for me. Making my pussy wet thinking about it.

Actually, he's kind of a jerk a lot of the time - but his cock is just too good to leave! Nah, I don't know - he is a jerk - but I love him. He's under so much pressure and stress - I have to forgive him for all the asshole things he says and does. He miss judges me a lot of the time - he's completely right lots of times too though. I love him, I hope he can forgive me as I've forgiven him. I wish he wouldn't be angry with me anymore.

Ahh fuck, I was so good yesterday too! I had my "outside collar" on - the first thing he ever bought for me - cute little earings. I did as I was told, I didn't nag at him, I was patient while he took care of business, I remembered my manners - one stupid comment. I still don't know why it made him so mad!! He seems to think I did it with some purpose in mind - why on earth would I want to piss him off!!?? Even if I did want to piss him off - I wouldn't have said what I said - I couldn't have imagined that it would have made him that angry??!!

We're getting ready to leave work for the night - two cars - he has his friends car and we have ours. I will take our car home - two people at work need rides home. One person asks what he's driving and I say "he has **** car, he has to pick her up at 7" . He said "who told you that" I said "you". and that was it. He immediately sent me home and I went obediantly, understanding that it had upset him. I guess it was indiscreet, it's no ones business what he has to do. He probably feels I said it as a way of exerting some control or demonstrating to others that I "know" about his friend. That's probably true - when you get down to it - so it wasn't a submissive thing to say. It was definately over that line. But I didn't consider before I said it. That's the problem. Thoughtless. Not calculated. So, I slipped up again. and did something not submissive while wearing a symbol of my servitude. I will get better at this.

I hope my master has the patience to continue my training. When I thank him for putting up with me, he says he thinks I put up with him. So hopefully, that still stands. His anger is so scary. He's so cold and distant when he's angry. I just want to make him happy and I seem to always manage to add to his stress instead of relieving it. At least prostate massage is good for you! I'll keep developing that skill - it's supposed to be excellent for relieving stress and anxiety.

I'm sick with myself - even though I believe his reaction was a little over the top - he's entitled - I've had my share of over the top reactions. I think the comment came out because I'd spent the whole afternoon gardening (with my earings) and thinking about things - about how I never intended or wanted to hate his friend. or fight against him about her. It's a difficult situation and jealousy sucks and makes you do things and make mistakes. Anyway, I spoke of her casually like that - in part because I had decided to not be threatened by her and not take out my disapointment in his behaviour on her. I decided to try to be nicer to her and not judge her as harshly as I have been. She's young and rude but she's been a friend to him when he needed one and she's not a bad person. She tries to help - she's just sorta stupid sometimes. But, so am I. And so is my master. Sometimes. Anyway, I had sort of relaxed my way of thinking about her I guess and so my guard came down too much - too much the other way - added with the element of wanting not to appear stupid to others by letting them know I know about her and out it came. I need to worry about how my master sees me and not others.

We've been through worse than this. We've been further apart than this - not much - but at least we're being honest with each other - I just wish he would believe me when I'm being honest. He seems to read so many things into some of the things I say - things that I don't dream of when I say them. Am I such a self-centred person that I can't percieve how he will hear me ever? I want to relax and by myself and not be nervous or weird in all of this. But I feel like I have to watch my P's and Q's so much. I must learn to be more thoughtful of my masters feelings before I say things.

I'm hungry, I'm going in circles here. I'm sad, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. If he came in right now - I'd get on my knees and beg his forgiveness and beg him to punish me any way he likes.

When he does come home, I will get down on my knees and beg him to punish me so that I can earn his forgivness for my thoughtless remark. I will take any pushishment he feels I deserve without complaint. I deserve it and, because he loves me, he will punish me and allow me to earn his tender touch again.

I'm sooo scared he won't love me anymore. Please God, let him forgive me and love me again and come back to me and be my friend again.