Wow, what a trip this is. Feelings. Today. are....... conflicting. Mostly ok. I freaked out a little. Didn't think master was coming home again. He is though. I gotta get a handle on this. But so much depends on him. He does love me - or he would certainly be gone already.

Whewwwwww! I hate those episodes! At least it didn't last long - but only cause I spoke with my master - that's all that kept it together for me. I need to be able to do that on my own. Maybe I would have - maybe not. I was getting ready to start walking. That would have been bad.

I want to be completely honest and true. With myself first - and then with my master - only because I lie to myself first and then perpetrate it to him. So I must establish the truth first. My goal is to become the kind of person who says true things automatically. I mean this pretty much exclusively with regard to my own feelings about things. Otherwise, I am a truthful person. I will write all my true feelings here - this is my confession!

Well, I lie about things I do in reaction to bad feelings because I'm ashamed of myself. So if I can stop having those kinds of feelings then I won't feel the compulsion to lie about things I do because I won't do things I'm ashamed of.

I just read this again. It's hard to read - but I think I've been honest. I feel a little raw - like I've been exposed - the same feeling I get when Master is here and we talk and he helps me realize truths in myself. Hard but good.

God. I may be more sub than I have admitted to myself. Remember - "How deep does the rabbit hole go?"

Pride and Shame - two powerful cages.