Wednesday, April 29, 2009
OK, so....
Through the process of discovering that I was interested in exploring my submissive side we've been under a crazy number of different and urgent concerns. I've experienced a fairly serious depression ( I believe) and I am feeling better now but every time I begin to feel hope that we are both starting to change our habits we've developed under those stresses, I am disappointed again.
I truly feel really really frightened for my master (aka husband). He is pulled in so many directions and, allowing himself to be spread too thin and feeling more stress because he is not doing many of them particularly well. I'm completely guilty of doing exactly the same thing. I'm trying to do better and focus more. He's actually made himself sick now and he NEVER get's sick.
Anyway, I want to show faith in my master, (aka husband) and wanted to encourage him to be the man I know he is by allowing him be the master - in real life as a senior partner and as my beautiful, loving Dominating Master at home. I get really excited by the idea of giving myself entirely over to him. The rope makes me wet! Having him control me and do anything he wants to me is incredible. I WANT so badly to trust and have faith in him - because it's fuckin hot! and I want so BADLY for him to know that he is worthy of the trust and faith I want to have in him.
So, I feel badly for my master - I hate seeing him like this. I love him so much and I'm trying to be the best wife and friend and lover I can be in a supportive and realistic way. I hate not being able to trust my master to do what he says and be honest with me.
That's enough for now - but maybe this blogging thing isn't so bad afterall. My Master's orders are good for me - when I listen to him and do as he says more faithfully, I feel better. I know he loves me - he takes so much trouble to tell me how to behave.
I hope that when my Master reads this, that he can understand that I love him truly and trust him implicitly, that's why it's so difficult for me to be in situations where he doesn't follow through on things.
K, that really is enough for now! Master would say - "You're overthinking - calm down."
All I can do right now, is wait to see what happens tonight and tomorrow. (many things that MUST be done!)
Through the process of discovering that I was interested in exploring my submissive side we've been under a crazy number of different and urgent concerns. I've experienced a fairly serious depression ( I believe) and I am feeling better now but every time I begin to feel hope that we are both starting to change our habits we've developed under those stresses, I am disappointed again.
I truly feel really really frightened for my master (aka husband). He is pulled in so many directions and, allowing himself to be spread too thin and feeling more stress because he is not doing many of them particularly well. I'm completely guilty of doing exactly the same thing. I'm trying to do better and focus more. He's actually made himself sick now and he NEVER get's sick.
Anyway, I want to show faith in my master, (aka husband) and wanted to encourage him to be the man I know he is by allowing him be the master - in real life as a senior partner and as my beautiful, loving Dominating Master at home. I get really excited by the idea of giving myself entirely over to him. The rope makes me wet! Having him control me and do anything he wants to me is incredible. I WANT so badly to trust and have faith in him - because it's fuckin hot! and I want so BADLY for him to know that he is worthy of the trust and faith I want to have in him.
So, I feel badly for my master - I hate seeing him like this. I love him so much and I'm trying to be the best wife and friend and lover I can be in a supportive and realistic way. I hate not being able to trust my master to do what he says and be honest with me.
That's enough for now - but maybe this blogging thing isn't so bad afterall. My Master's orders are good for me - when I listen to him and do as he says more faithfully, I feel better. I know he loves me - he takes so much trouble to tell me how to behave.
I hope that when my Master reads this, that he can understand that I love him truly and trust him implicitly, that's why it's so difficult for me to be in situations where he doesn't follow through on things.
K, that really is enough for now! Master would say - "You're overthinking - calm down."
All I can do right now, is wait to see what happens tonight and tomorrow. (many things that MUST be done!)
Feelings Today
Well, my feelings today are bad. My "master" chose not to come home last night. Am I being punished still? Shouldn't I know if I am?
He is with a person I do not like and do not trust. A person who wishes him to leave me for her. A dishonest, cold hearted, nasty whore of a person who he says he is not seeing.
So where does that leave me. With anger, sadness, hurt, incredible pain and sorrow at another betrayal. The same betrayal. What do I do about it? I don't know - carry on, clean the house, do the gardening, stay calm. That's best for me - stay calm. I have to cleanse myself of the anger. He calls her Skinny Bitch - I think I'll call her - skanky whore pig. Skinny bitch he calls her. She is a - self-centered, rude, disrespectful, indifferent, careless whore pig.
He said he was up all night fighting (with her I assume). Why would he choose to do that instead of coming home to me? Why is he spending the day with her still - if that's true.
I am concerned about him - how he's feeling. I don't understand why he continues to see her and fight all night and then spend the day with her too!! He fights with her and she gets rewarded. He fights with her and I get punished.
I'll wait and see what he has to say when he gets in later.
I'm going to have a bath and relax. Meditate - get rid of the anger and try to imagine how he is feeling right now. Forget about how I'm feeling- I can always get the anger back - that's easy. Think about how he might be feeling and wait to see what he says.
He is with a person I do not like and do not trust. A person who wishes him to leave me for her. A dishonest, cold hearted, nasty whore of a person who he says he is not seeing.
So where does that leave me. With anger, sadness, hurt, incredible pain and sorrow at another betrayal. The same betrayal. What do I do about it? I don't know - carry on, clean the house, do the gardening, stay calm. That's best for me - stay calm. I have to cleanse myself of the anger. He calls her Skinny Bitch - I think I'll call her - skanky whore pig. Skinny bitch he calls her. She is a - self-centered, rude, disrespectful, indifferent, careless whore pig.
He said he was up all night fighting (with her I assume). Why would he choose to do that instead of coming home to me? Why is he spending the day with her still - if that's true.
I am concerned about him - how he's feeling. I don't understand why he continues to see her and fight all night and then spend the day with her too!! He fights with her and she gets rewarded. He fights with her and I get punished.
I'll wait and see what he has to say when he gets in later.
I'm going to have a bath and relax. Meditate - get rid of the anger and try to imagine how he is feeling right now. Forget about how I'm feeling- I can always get the anger back - that's easy. Think about how he might be feeling and wait to see what he says.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
New Restraints
For some reason it seems difficutl for me to actually talk about my feelings here instead of just recounting experiences - I have to try to focus on that.....
So my master gifted me with four new rings to tie me to. Legs spread, arms apart - standing. I like the feeling of the ropes when he ties them around my wrists and ankles - the thought of being restrained seems to turn me on - which is weird cause I used to be claustrophobic when anyone restrained my arms! I can't explain it.
He used me very very well - and he gave me permission to cum - so I did, many times. It was really nice and there was a moment where I felt very connected to my master in a way I haven't for a while because of other stresses going on in our lives.
I think he enjoyed it, I think he likes using me and stuffing me and making me squirt - he let me suck his cock too - I know he enjoys that! But I feel a little guilty - like I'm enjoying it too much and him not enough maybe?? My job as his slave is to see to his pleasure at all times - I love to make him feel good - I love to hear him moan in pleasure - I need to do more to make him happy.
He's discovered that maybe I could be going through some manic depressive tendancies - again - lots of stress lately - I love that he's taking care of me and looking out for me - but I feel like I'm falling short of my goal to please him because I'm the one getting the care here. He's under all the same stress I am - in some ways - even more - so how can I best take care of him???
I suppose by doing that which is sometimes the most difficult for me! Leave him alone and let him be...... this is a little troubling because too much "letting him be" can lead to him feeling not cared for! How do I find the happy medium - so I'm looking after his pleasure so that he feels I am taking care of him and not either being overbearingly motherly to him - or overbearingly sexual or neglectful through trying to give him his space???????
I love him. He loves me. I have to have faith in that and stay stable and real. This is a challenge for me. Is this the mania and/or depression? or is this normal? What's normal? Wow - thinking in circles a little - like my master says - I over think somethings sometimes - just keep talking to him honestly - keep paying attention to everything and take it one day at a time.
Today, even though some stressful things happened - my master and I were together on them and dealing with them and I feel happy. I hope that he is too. I think so. One day at a time.
So my master gifted me with four new rings to tie me to. Legs spread, arms apart - standing. I like the feeling of the ropes when he ties them around my wrists and ankles - the thought of being restrained seems to turn me on - which is weird cause I used to be claustrophobic when anyone restrained my arms! I can't explain it.
He used me very very well - and he gave me permission to cum - so I did, many times. It was really nice and there was a moment where I felt very connected to my master in a way I haven't for a while because of other stresses going on in our lives.
I think he enjoyed it, I think he likes using me and stuffing me and making me squirt - he let me suck his cock too - I know he enjoys that! But I feel a little guilty - like I'm enjoying it too much and him not enough maybe?? My job as his slave is to see to his pleasure at all times - I love to make him feel good - I love to hear him moan in pleasure - I need to do more to make him happy.
He's discovered that maybe I could be going through some manic depressive tendancies - again - lots of stress lately - I love that he's taking care of me and looking out for me - but I feel like I'm falling short of my goal to please him because I'm the one getting the care here. He's under all the same stress I am - in some ways - even more - so how can I best take care of him???
I suppose by doing that which is sometimes the most difficult for me! Leave him alone and let him be...... this is a little troubling because too much "letting him be" can lead to him feeling not cared for! How do I find the happy medium - so I'm looking after his pleasure so that he feels I am taking care of him and not either being overbearingly motherly to him - or overbearingly sexual or neglectful through trying to give him his space???????
I love him. He loves me. I have to have faith in that and stay stable and real. This is a challenge for me. Is this the mania and/or depression? or is this normal? What's normal? Wow - thinking in circles a little - like my master says - I over think somethings sometimes - just keep talking to him honestly - keep paying attention to everything and take it one day at a time.
Today, even though some stressful things happened - my master and I were together on them and dealing with them and I feel happy. I hope that he is too. I think so. One day at a time.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Not a Great Night in Slave Land
Well, my master put my collar on - and I was to be punished for some naughty behaviour - that's fine - but ouch! It was a little more than I bargained for and I needed a break at one point. Got started again - and then - I forget why, I got angry for something. Wouldn't shut up and had my collar revoked!! OH NOOOOO!!
I remember why I got angry, cause master taped my a while back without my knowing and I lied about it afterwards I guess. But I didn't like being caught and I didn't like being taped without knowing so I let my temper get outta hand and I got mouthy. :(
Well, we talked a little and I got my collar back and we carried on. Good sex, master came, I came (with permission) and alls well that ends - but overall - I'm disappointed with my performance. I have to keep my temper - that's the whole point of this (well, almost the whole point! :) :P )
Feeling ok today - glad the lies are out and I can start fresh - no more lies! Feel like master is looking out for me cause he cares enough to punish me and force the truth out of me. He's trying to help me because he loves me and I hope I can improve and be a better sub for him.
Hope we can play again tonight - will post more if we do.
I remember why I got angry, cause master taped my a while back without my knowing and I lied about it afterwards I guess. But I didn't like being caught and I didn't like being taped without knowing so I let my temper get outta hand and I got mouthy. :(
Well, we talked a little and I got my collar back and we carried on. Good sex, master came, I came (with permission) and alls well that ends - but overall - I'm disappointed with my performance. I have to keep my temper - that's the whole point of this (well, almost the whole point! :) :P )
Feeling ok today - glad the lies are out and I can start fresh - no more lies! Feel like master is looking out for me cause he cares enough to punish me and force the truth out of me. He's trying to help me because he loves me and I hope I can improve and be a better sub for him.
Hope we can play again tonight - will post more if we do.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
First Entry
Well, I'm not sure if I'm very good a blogging yet but my goal is to explore my thoughts and feelings as I try to become an ideal sub for my master, who in my case, is also my husband.
I think, being married for nearly 20 years, I have a lot of reactions to my husband that will have to be unlearned as he becomes my master. I first considered that I wanted to be submissive to my husband because we were going through a rough patch and my tendency over the years has been to become more assertive and aggressive in our relationship - which is ok in someways - you have to stand up for yourself - but it doesn't help advance our relationship, so I want to reverse that and learn to give up control.
My first experience as a sub - when I realized I was turned on by the thought of being dominated - was sitting on a stool on the bed - tied to the bed and made to site on an anal plug. It was amazingly erotic - the plug was quite big and I didn't think I could stand to have it in for long at all - but because I was tied and my master wanted me to take it - I concentrated on relaxing and enjoying the sensations I was experiencing. I don't know how long I remained like that - I remember he left me and went to get some drink at the store, but after he came back I ended up having an orgasm that he called a whole body orgasm! The feelings are hard to describe but it was all good.
I have some concerns - he has never been a Dom before - so I know that he has as much to learn as I do - but I trust that he will do this like he does everything - in a considered and deliberate way. He doesn't do anything without a lot of research till he knows the subject inside out, so it's my job to just do my job - I give up control and trust him to do what's best for me.
Every time I think of giving up that control and relying on him to do whatever he feels to me and with me - I get a rush of adrenaline and my pussy tingles.
So, I guess we'll see where this all goes.
I think, being married for nearly 20 years, I have a lot of reactions to my husband that will have to be unlearned as he becomes my master. I first considered that I wanted to be submissive to my husband because we were going through a rough patch and my tendency over the years has been to become more assertive and aggressive in our relationship - which is ok in someways - you have to stand up for yourself - but it doesn't help advance our relationship, so I want to reverse that and learn to give up control.
My first experience as a sub - when I realized I was turned on by the thought of being dominated - was sitting on a stool on the bed - tied to the bed and made to site on an anal plug. It was amazingly erotic - the plug was quite big and I didn't think I could stand to have it in for long at all - but because I was tied and my master wanted me to take it - I concentrated on relaxing and enjoying the sensations I was experiencing. I don't know how long I remained like that - I remember he left me and went to get some drink at the store, but after he came back I ended up having an orgasm that he called a whole body orgasm! The feelings are hard to describe but it was all good.
I have some concerns - he has never been a Dom before - so I know that he has as much to learn as I do - but I trust that he will do this like he does everything - in a considered and deliberate way. He doesn't do anything without a lot of research till he knows the subject inside out, so it's my job to just do my job - I give up control and trust him to do what's best for me.
Every time I think of giving up that control and relying on him to do whatever he feels to me and with me - I get a rush of adrenaline and my pussy tingles.
So, I guess we'll see where this all goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
