Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

i'm blogging on www.soulcast.com now. same name.

Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Christina Abernathy, Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Greenery Press, 2007. ISBN 1890159719.
Jack Rinella, Becoming a slave. Rinella Editorial Services, 2005. ISBN 0940267209.
Jack Rinella, The Complete Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant/Submissive Lifestyle. Daedelus publishing Co, 2002. ISBN 1-881943-13-5."

Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

i'm blogging on www.soulcast.com now. same name.

Master/slave (BDSM) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Christina Abernathy, Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. Greenery Press, 2007. ISBN 1890159719.
Jack Rinella, Becoming a slave. Rinella Editorial Services, 2005. ISBN 0940267209.
Jack Rinella, The Complete Slave: Creating and Living an Erotic Dominant/Submissive Lifestyle. Daedelus publishing Co, 2002. ISBN 1-881943-13-5."

Blogging at a New Site

I'm gonna continue my blog at soulcast.com - it has a community of people there experiencing some of the same things I am and they provide commentary and support.

Here's the link to the new spot. And quite a few other blogs on the same topic too.

http://www.soulcast.com/madisonluvsex/

Good News!

Hadn't gotten around to blogging yet today when my Master texted me to say we will play tonight!! YEAH!!! My pussy is tingling all ready!! I'll spend the rest of the next few hours readying myself and all his tools.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Does this mean I'm doing something right?!

I wasn't sure he was coming home last night - he spent the day with his friend - but he did come home and I was happy, I'm happy again today - and, we may have a date this weekend with a girl who might be a third for us!! YEAH!!

Defining Roles

Just read another blog http://www.soulcast.com/post/show/206583/Needing-Advice haven't read much of it but it brings up an excellent point. I tend, for one reason or another to find myself "playing" sub at various times through a regular day - during vanilla activities I like to be in the role. Not 24/7 but I just find myself slipping into it sometimes. I guess when I want my Master's attention or when I'd like to place myself at his command - in anything.

It makes me horny. God, I must be crazy. It makes me so horny to think of me being my Master's slave all the time. It makes me feel good all over. and scared to death.

But, back to the topic at hand - I don't know how my Master really feels about it. I don't know that he wants the responsibility or if it gets him off enough to practice being those people more of the time. It's exciting to think about - but it's something we need to talk about I guess. It makes me breathless to think about having him collar me in a ceremony and mark me as his own one day. I will be patient and show my Master I am worthy of being his slave.

Fuck me! I'm sick. I wonder if Master thinks so or if he likes it. He was turned on by it last week - but I screwed up and got mouthy and gave him cause to doubt my dedication to being his sub. I love to think about him being hard while he thinks of me waiting for him and wet with desire to please him. Available for him to do anything he likes with me and to me.

wow

Scared and Tired

I'm feeling kinda scared and tired. I'm gonna sleep I think. If I can.

The Feeling (and Conquering ) of Anger

Life is very strange. I recognize the feelings and symptoms of anger. I feel like a junkie. I have to recognize my own symptoms before they take hold. That's the trick. My face goes numb and tingly - I can feel the blood in my ears. I can even make it happen by thinking about it.

That's horrifying. Anyway, my Master has decided that I need another 'me' day. On my own. It's his absence which makes me study my anger - so he's right I suppose. I'd like to be happy for more than two or three days at a time though. And remember what it is I'm fighting for.

If Master decides to give me the kind of 'me' day where I am at peace and in joy with him, that would bring me great joy. Tender loving sex would be lovely too. Those are gifts I would ask my Master for should he choose to give me a gift.

I wonder if I am really going to travel down this road to living my life as a sub. Where does the line get drawn. I don't know yet. But I despair at the thought of "allowing" my self to "allow" my husband to continue to have girlfriends on the side. I don't like it. The thought brings my anger up. So where do I draw the line?

I guess we'll see.

I just really feel like a dose of love from someone - preferably my Master :). I like fun as much and more than most people, and I believe my Master has my best interest at heart, but I'm gonna get sad if I don't get some love soon. lol. So.... the decision is made. I will wait. Be patient. I'd like a drunk on wine night with candles and romance and love. My new fantasy!!

Firelight, candles, wine, me in my collar and dressed to please my Master. Tits bound? something tight, with my pussy and ass out. mmmmmmmmmmmm..........

I'm such a pervert.

No wonder I'm desperate to keep my Master - the thought of ever letting anyone else be my Master is unthinkable. and the thought of not having a Master isn't cool either. I really really get off on it. It's pretty fucking weird.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!! Just had a thought and it's a doozy and I can and will do fucking anything for this man, my Master. Probably. Like the fantasy with L tied up and me brought in to lick her for him and her and I fucking for him. and my helping him fuck her and even possibly me showing her how to suck his cock right.

So, my thought just now was him fucking her and coming home and fucking me. and her and I being friends who both fuck my Master. Is she sub too then? She says she wants to be tied - if my Master was telling me the truth about that... and of the three of us having fun together.

I would love this fantasy even more with the someone we both liked!! I still have reservations about L. As my Master does - we'll keep hanging out and having fun hopefully and we'll either integrate her into our life or he won't choose to. or she won't choose to.

Blog of the Day

Master read my blog last night! Poor baby!! LOL. We've had a very nice couple of days. He's not mad at me any more and we were friends - we had awesome sex last night and fooled around this morning again. MMMMMMMM............... Not sure what's gonna happen tonite - I think he might be going to his friends - he hasn't said but that's the vibe I'm gettin. Ah well, patience.

Scary Ride

I'm feeling a little more manic tonight that I want to. But I am aware of it. I'm panicing a little that He isn't home yet. But I'm ok. I'm holding it together - I have to concentrate on patience.

I wish He hadn't left me today. I really needed a day of hanging out with him - no stress. No distraction. I guess He isn't ready to spend that much time with me yet. I wish He liked me more.

Anyway - its' cool. He's a grown man and as my Master I will think only of his pleasure and be patient and steady in my goal to be His perfect sub/slave. I'm so twisted that anything He does to me - I find a way to make it make me horny.

Fuck me with your girlfriend.

and I'd like it - I want to be made to do these things. He knows I like it. I want my Master to Dominate me absolutely and make me His own.

I pray that I can be worthy of having Him as my Master. I pray that I can be the sub/slave He deserves and I pray that He will choose to mark me as his own one day.

In the mean time it is His privilege to take care of whatever business he chooses to take care of. It is my job only to be ready when he arrives.

If He wants me to be.

I'm a Sick Puppy

I am a sick puppy. Master and I were talking yesterday and we talked about him tying his friend up and blindfolding her and then bringing me in to lick her pussy and use her. She wants to be tied up apparantly and she had a fun when we made out once before. So, when he sketched this scene out to me I hid my big smile from him a little and didn't say that a thrill went through me from pussy to face. Now I keep thinking about it!!

It sounds hot!! I haven't had a long, long sex session for a long time - I'm starving here!! I need a threesome and I need hours and hours of sex.

I'm a sick pig - I wish I was ok with being a sick pig. It's all the guilt I feel for being this way that makes me act weird and be a bitch sometimes. I have to act better than I am cuz clearly I am a sick sick person!!

Oy vay!! What is wrong with me!!?? I need balance - If I can just get some wicked sex in - I'll be able to concentrate more on other important things that have to be done.

God what a sicko!!

Happy Mothers Day!

Lonely today - Master was here last night - we had a little fun. He had me again this morning - I love it when he wakes up and wants me. He had a meeting he had to go to and I didn't want him to leave me today - it's mothers day and I wanted to worship him the whole day as my present. Anyway - got dinner on - hope he won't be much longer - I'm lonely but trying to remember that his pleasure is my pleasure and he'll come back when he can. I'm hoping he'll let me give him a bath and worship his whole body till he relaxes completely.

I hope I hope I hope.

Me, Myself and I.... the sub.

First, I have a question? Do other people read their own blogs regularly? I should create a quiz.

So, this is actually pretty cool. I think, right now - I feel, that practicing being a sub - and giving up control is allowing me to relax in a way I haven't been able to for quite a long time. I used to enjoy being by myself. Because I was OK with myself. I always missed my master when we were apart - but even when we were young and I was madly, newly, pationately in love with him, I enjoyed my time alone. And not only because I jacked off all the time either. I read, and cleaned, and worked and went out with friends.

Was I more fulfilled when I was young? - it seemed easier to be happy then. But ignorance is bliss and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Maybe I'd have done better a little more isolated from the world. Maybe not. Master did insulate me from much of the world actually. Fear of the world made (makes) me put on a bravado to protect myself from it.

I'm rambling, thinking while I'm typing.....

It's just that over the last weeks, since the sub thing struck me, I feel closer to being that person again. One who enjoys being on my own. It's nice to enjoy taking care of myself and I like feeling like I'm doing it for my Master as much as for myself. But the more I appreciate the time I spend on my own, the more I realize that I'm pretty ok with myself overall. I loose myself occasionally, I was pretty lost for a while there. I am very grateful to my Master for helping me back and allowing me to go on this journey and I truly have a core belief of his wisdom and worthiness. I feel I'm gaining strength by giving myself to him. My best person is routed in my love of him.

That's why I can't let him go. Ouch. Poor Master. I wish someone loved me that intensely but it must be annoying for Master sometimes. Well, often. He'd have left me long ago if I'd let him go without a fight. I hope he can love me again. sooner rather than later.

Anyway, there's one thing that worries me though. LOL - well, there's a zillion things that worry me!! One thing about our relationship. My Master (my beautiful, smart, witty, silly, sexy, marvelous husband) seems quite angry with me or at least ready to be angry with me. It makes me very sad sometimes. But, it doesn't make me feel as desperate as it once did - because I'm starting to be Ok with myself again.

Which is really fucked up when you think about it - how am I wired so that by giving up control to my husband, my Master, I can get off.

Sub-space. That's the place I have been - I just read the term in an article at http://www.seekers.org.uk/ . By far the most helpful site I've found about being a sub. The experience is a growth process. Amazingly fulfilling so far and I'm only just at the very beginning of it. It's a little bit scary - that rabbit hole is pretty darn deep so far and I can't see bottom yet. So, not a fear that will make me back away from it yet.

So, sub-space or head-space is the place I've been a few times when Master and I have played. Most intensely - one of the very first times. Arms tied to the bed head while sitting on a stool on the bed with a plug in my ass, my collar on - leashed to the bed head. He left me on my own like that while he went to buy booze. When he came back and pinched my nipples and played with my pussy, I went completely away! I remember shaking - but only realized I was when Master told me I was. Full body orgasm he called it. That was gooooood. Master was truly enjoying that - and that made it the best for me - when he is relaxed and happy, I am relaxed and happy. His pleasure is my pleasure. I love it best when he loves me. I will be patient and wait for him to be not angry with me any more. I hope he still loves me beneath the anger. But if he doesn't, and this doesn't end up working out - I feel like I'll be ok eventually. I didn't feel that way a while ago - or ever before really. But, even when I think about being on my own - he is always a part of the vision - fuck buddies, friends who become lovers again....

Quizzes

Took a couple quizzes today to see if I really am submissive. Master seems to doubt my dedication to it. Here's what they say about me:

Your Result

Perfect submissive.

You live for the praise other shower on you and you know how to earn it. When you love, you love with fathomless depth and are keenly aware of every nuiance that is pleasing to the one you love.
Usually overworked by those at around you who don't understand or take advantage of your giving nature, you take everything in stride.
Take time for yourself until you find that special someone who will scheduel in rest for you.
Your perfect lover is the Total Dominant, though the Role-Play Dominant would leave you breathless you'd need to learn when to say when.

You Scored as Experimental

(((Note: I haven't covered all aspects of BDSM in this quiz due to the length the quiz would have to be. It is sex-based because psychological profiles can be complicated and motivations for engaging in fetishes vary with couples and individuals. I have written this category as one of the alternatives because this quiz is to test inclination not a definite interest in BDSM.))) Experimentation is a great place to be. Open-mindedness when it comes to sexuality can open doors and allow you to discover things that you didn't think you would find engaging. Having such a curious attitude can help you learn more about your own sexual nature as well as the nature of others.

Experimental

82%

Submissive

75%

Switch

64%

Bondage

64%

Exhibitionist / Voyeur

61%

Masochist

43%

Dominant

36%

Sadist

32%

Vanilla

18%

Degradation Lover

11%

Ass

I can't stop thinking about licking my masters ass this morning. It's making my pussy wet and tingly. I really can't wait to try again and make him orgasm over and over before he comes into my mouth, or on my wet pussy, or on my swollen tits and he pinches my nipples. MMMMMMMMMMMm, I love when he sucks my tits. hmmmmmmmmm - I gotta get some breakfast - starving.

Every Day

Oh, I'm supposed to write every day. I didn't realize that before. So from now on, I'll be posting at least once a day.

Success or Failure? Sometimes it's hard to Tell

You know how most people are their own worst critics? Well, in my case, my worst critic is my husband and master. He really doesn't like me right now. Or, at least it FEELS like he doesn't like me right now. He's upset with me. I said a thoughtless thing and he is upset. I know when his friend has said certain thoughtless things it has pissed me off to no end. So he can take time to be mad and get over it. It's just that when he's mad at me for something, it feels like the end of the world for me. It feels like he'll never love me again.

I presented myself for punishment or any service to please him and he commanded I remove my earings. I did, then I sucked his cock to try to make him not mad at me anymore. Plus, I love sucking his cock and it makes me feel better too. I know he enjoyed it but he's still mad at me. The cool but slightly confusing part is that he let me do something I've been curious about for a while now but he never seemed open to the idea. I rubbed his ass and put my finger in it and I licked it. Not sure if I found his prostate but he seemed to enjoy it. I did - I loved feeling that he was vulnerable and open. I felt empowered. I love being able to give him a new pleasure, a new experience. But I'm not sure why he did it under those conditions?? I think that it's a good sign. A sign that he does still love me even when he's really mad at me - he still loves me underneath it. Or, he was making me do it as an act of supreme servitude. Either way it's good. Anyway, I can't wait to do it again when he's not mad at me!! I want to massage his prostate and milk it. and suck his cock as I milk the juice out of him. mmmmmmm.......... his cock was made in heaven just for me. Making my pussy wet thinking about it.

Actually, he's kind of a jerk a lot of the time - but his cock is just too good to leave! Nah, I don't know - he is a jerk - but I love him. He's under so much pressure and stress - I have to forgive him for all the asshole things he says and does. He miss judges me a lot of the time - he's completely right lots of times too though. I love him, I hope he can forgive me as I've forgiven him. I wish he wouldn't be angry with me anymore.

Ahh fuck, I was so good yesterday too! I had my "outside collar" on - the first thing he ever bought for me - cute little earings. I did as I was told, I didn't nag at him, I was patient while he took care of business, I remembered my manners - one stupid comment. I still don't know why it made him so mad!! He seems to think I did it with some purpose in mind - why on earth would I want to piss him off!!?? Even if I did want to piss him off - I wouldn't have said what I said - I couldn't have imagined that it would have made him that angry??!!

We're getting ready to leave work for the night - two cars - he has his friends car and we have ours. I will take our car home - two people at work need rides home. One person asks what he's driving and I say "he has **** car, he has to pick her up at 7" . He said "who told you that" I said "you". and that was it. He immediately sent me home and I went obediantly, understanding that it had upset him. I guess it was indiscreet, it's no ones business what he has to do. He probably feels I said it as a way of exerting some control or demonstrating to others that I "know" about his friend. That's probably true - when you get down to it - so it wasn't a submissive thing to say. It was definately over that line. But I didn't consider before I said it. That's the problem. Thoughtless. Not calculated. So, I slipped up again. and did something not submissive while wearing a symbol of my servitude. I will get better at this.

I hope my master has the patience to continue my training. When I thank him for putting up with me, he says he thinks I put up with him. So hopefully, that still stands. His anger is so scary. He's so cold and distant when he's angry. I just want to make him happy and I seem to always manage to add to his stress instead of relieving it. At least prostate massage is good for you! I'll keep developing that skill - it's supposed to be excellent for relieving stress and anxiety.

I'm sick with myself - even though I believe his reaction was a little over the top - he's entitled - I've had my share of over the top reactions. I think the comment came out because I'd spent the whole afternoon gardening (with my earings) and thinking about things - about how I never intended or wanted to hate his friend. or fight against him about her. It's a difficult situation and jealousy sucks and makes you do things and make mistakes. Anyway, I spoke of her casually like that - in part because I had decided to not be threatened by her and not take out my disapointment in his behaviour on her. I decided to try to be nicer to her and not judge her as harshly as I have been. She's young and rude but she's been a friend to him when he needed one and she's not a bad person. She tries to help - she's just sorta stupid sometimes. But, so am I. And so is my master. Sometimes. Anyway, I had sort of relaxed my way of thinking about her I guess and so my guard came down too much - too much the other way - added with the element of wanting not to appear stupid to others by letting them know I know about her and out it came. I need to worry about how my master sees me and not others.

We've been through worse than this. We've been further apart than this - not much - but at least we're being honest with each other - I just wish he would believe me when I'm being honest. He seems to read so many things into some of the things I say - things that I don't dream of when I say them. Am I such a self-centred person that I can't percieve how he will hear me ever? I want to relax and by myself and not be nervous or weird in all of this. But I feel like I have to watch my P's and Q's so much. I must learn to be more thoughtful of my masters feelings before I say things.

I'm hungry, I'm going in circles here. I'm sad, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. If he came in right now - I'd get on my knees and beg his forgiveness and beg him to punish me any way he likes.

When he does come home, I will get down on my knees and beg him to punish me so that I can earn his forgivness for my thoughtless remark. I will take any pushishment he feels I deserve without complaint. I deserve it and, because he loves me, he will punish me and allow me to earn his tender touch again.

I'm sooo scared he won't love me anymore. Please God, let him forgive me and love me again and come back to me and be my friend again.

Again with the Feelings!

I had to repost this here - I accidently put it in the wrong thread.

For some reason that I only occasionally (ok, a little bit more than occasionally) understand, we have a difficult time communicating. We just seem to rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time. Too much history.

I have to much angst I guess - I agree some of the time, but I also believe that my master has his own brand of inner anger toward me and he won't admit it. He has enabled me and continues to enable me to see myself truly and admit to the anger and resentment and irritations that I have been allowing to accumulate within me. I have been an angry person. I tend toward it. I do not like it.

I can be a little high maitenance! For god's sake look at me! LOL. I want to be able to drop stronge loving hints of how my lover might please me or how we may be able to have some fun together. And I kinda feel like this could be so much easier if my master would take a little better care of me. OUCH! I'm gonna get punished for that one! No, he loves me, I know he does. I can't imagine why he'd still be around if he didn't quit honestly! I know it's because I love him to the core that I'm still around too. We're both still around. That's nice, its' because we both care.

I feel so ready to work and achieve and build and laugh and love. I've been so low lately. I have felt and continue to often feel, very, very lonely.

I am manic depressive or depressed or something. The vitamins help and I really want to be happy, I am happy now. I feel happier than I have in a long long time. I hope I can do a better job of making my master feel the same way. He has been happy with me in the past - many many times. I so badly want to feel his love. His tender love. and then I want him to spank me and pinch my nipples!

So......, I guess in the mean time - till he learns to trust me again to be the person that he can be happy with as partners and lovers and friends; I settle for the really hot sex. But I will always have an ulterior motive. I want to keep my husband and my family together at all costs really. Plus, I just love him. and the sex is REALLY REALLY good.

K, no more wallowing or "overthinking" - moving on to good sex. Master awaits me in the hot tub (at least I hope he awaits me) I don't think he'll kick me out. :P

M

Being a Good Wife to a Good Husband

I feel right now like I have to prove myself trustworthy. My master / husband felt quite betrayed by my dereliction of duty in our business - I was depressed and could have done with some support - but he was under a great deal of stress himself and not really in a position to offer it I guess. I was in my own dark world anyway.

So, he said to me a little while ago when we were discussing/arguing about pig whore - that I need to worry about myself. It's true. I need to consentrate on being the best person I can be regardless of my circumstances and outside conditions or other people.

I am a good person, I am happiest at home, taking care of my home and my family. I need to deal with the bullshit that is life and still be that happy, good person. I love my husband. I love my master - I want to be his worthy slave for life. I will be patient and kind and understanding and supportive of him to get our shit together whether his behaviour makes my happy or not.

I will be a queen to his king. I will always be there for him whatever other choices I make.

For a little while I was thinking that maybe I was fooling myself with this sub thing. Maybe I'm not really a sub at heart but I might only be in it for the control any good slave has over her master - he desires her - he requires her.

But it's more than that, I'm fairly certain. I feel my greatest ease when I am doing as he wishes - even, strangely when it's not what I necessarily want for myself. But, for the most part, if I listen well to what he says and try to do as he says, I feel better. I have to be patient though so he has time to see that a change is in the making. I have been a quick to anger, reactive person. I have allowed myself to react to things when I need to consider them calmly to make good choices. So, I am a sub - I desire for him to be my master. I think he likes being my master but he won't become trapped by it. I have to recongize that his pleasure in being my master comes as much from the real life part of it as the play part of it. And I have to grow in the pleasure that comes from pleasing him.

Cool.

An Empty House

I just love having an empty house! It has so much potential for endless fun and games - and you can moan and scream as loudly as you like. So, we had an empty house - but unfortunately, master had to go see pig whore (as I affectionately like to call her) so he was later than I would've liked - but he did get home and we did have lots of fun. The time he was away gave me lots of time to prepare the room - all the toys, ropes, paddles and a chair for tieing if he wished it.

I also have a new mask for web cam. He used me well and I kept quiet (at least I wasn't mouthy!!) and I only wish we could've gone on much longer - as it was we went to bed after 4 or 5 am I think - but I can never get enough when we play like we did!

Didn't get to use the chair. Oh well!

Since then - another disappointing night where he ended up having to go rescue pig whore cause she was stupid drunk and sick on top. Pisses me off - him going to her rescue. What can I do - he's "a nice guy" I guess - wouldn't leave her to her crappy friends cause he knows they wouldn't look after her.

Anyway, another revelation I think - about my feelings and my anger - I think, in my house growing up, that the angriest person won! I mean - I don't remember any conversations where people sat down and discussed issues and then made desicions based on anything. I remember lots of fights where whoever was the angriest basically got their own way - then lots of guilty rewards for those of us who had to watch it all go down.

Bad habits, bad signals - so - I have to get angry when angry is appropriate but not use that anger to try to win points or get my way because I have a right to be angry. I can be angry and not be mean and petty. I can be upset but not take it out on everyone around me. I can be unhappy with a situation and simply let the person or persons know I'm unhappy and move on. Master is not stupid - if I'm unhappy - he doesn't need me to continue to grind it home that I'm unhappy. He knows what makes me unhappy and he knows I want him to BE happy. So, we'll just see where that brings us I suppose.

Hoping to play tonight - we'll see. More later.

Wow, what a trip this is. Feelings. Today. are....... conflicting. Mostly ok. I freaked out a little. Didn't think master was coming home again. He is though. I gotta get a handle on this. But so much depends on him. He does love me - or he would certainly be gone already.

Whewwwwww! I hate those episodes! At least it didn't last long - but only cause I spoke with my master - that's all that kept it together for me. I need to be able to do that on my own. Maybe I would have - maybe not. I was getting ready to start walking. That would have been bad.

I want to be completely honest and true. With myself first - and then with my master - only because I lie to myself first and then perpetrate it to him. So I must establish the truth first. My goal is to become the kind of person who says true things automatically. I mean this pretty much exclusively with regard to my own feelings about things. Otherwise, I am a truthful person. I will write all my true feelings here - this is my confession!

Well, I lie about things I do in reaction to bad feelings because I'm ashamed of myself. So if I can stop having those kinds of feelings then I won't feel the compulsion to lie about things I do because I won't do things I'm ashamed of.

I just read this again. It's hard to read - but I think I've been honest. I feel a little raw - like I've been exposed - the same feeling I get when Master is here and we talk and he helps me realize truths in myself. Hard but good.

God. I may be more sub than I have admitted to myself. Remember - "How deep does the rabbit hole go?"

Pride and Shame - two powerful cages.